WWWF Grudge MatchWorld Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH
The Setting
The admiral has hastily directed his men to apprehend the vigilante wreaking
havoc upon his brand new battlestation. "We must capture this renegade before he
causes any more trouble on the Death Star. Our first target, Earth, will be in
range in 24 hours. He must be stopped by then. If we fail, the Emperor will come
here and punish us personally."
Behind them they hear a set of blast doors open. The admiral and his legion of
storm troopers turn and see a horrifying sight. There sits Darth Vader, slumped
over dead in a chair. He is wearing a Santa hat, and something is written in
blood on Darth Vader's black cape. As they unfurl it, the admiral reads the
message:
"Ho Ho Ho. Now I have a light saber!"
So, with Darth Vader out of the picture, and the Emperor "far, far away" (thus
no Force to speak of), can John McClane stop the Death Star before it reaches
Earth?
John McClane
vs.
Death Star
The Results
John McClane (809)
defeats
The Death Star (509)
Voter Comments
RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)
This is essentially a chemistry problem.
The Death Star: Tends to explode
John McClane: Tends to cause things to explode
- Marc Moskowitz
You've forgotten one all-important factor here. While Mclain would be deprived
of the desk-driving bureaucrat motivation, the estranged wife factor would be at
an all time high. Not only would he be one hell of a lot farther from her than
he's ever been (NY to LA is peanuts to LA to Pluto), but he would also know
that, once again, her life is in danger and that by displaying an incredible
amount of physical heroism he could (once again) make her overlook the fact that
he's basically an alcoholic, insensitive jerk. Maybe they could renew their
wedding vows at the end.
- oriole
I simply have to go with McClane. Consider this: In the first Die Hard movie, he
used some red gift tape to conceal an additional gun. Well, on the Death Star,
there's bound to be some duct tape somewhere. It is a well-known fact that with
duct tape, anything is possible. With his cop intuition, he's bound to figure
out a way using the duct tape to best any Empire attempt to stop him.
- J.
Now, McClane would realize he is up against far superior numbers, so a bit of
strategy would be in order. He's seen Star Wars, and learned a useful technique
in avoiding Stormtroopers. Simply hide in a room, and lock the door. (I actually
watched Star Wars this morning on USA [I think]). When Storm Troopers are
searching, they don't look behind locked doors -- it's true, watch the film if
you don't believe me. That's what he would do. Stealthily, John would move from
room to room, locking doors as he go. He wouldn't be found, and would have time
to overload the reactor, steal a ship, and escape unscathed.
- Christopher (Back, after two years away..)
I'm afraid I'm going to have to go with John Mclane, despite my original
inclination. I probably would have went with the death star until Return of the
Jedi, but despite never seeing a Die Hard movie, I can only assume that John is
normal height and has some kind of gun. This puts him a good two points over the
Ewoks, and as everyone knows, they managed to kick the empire's sorry butt. Two
qualifiers: I assume that John manages to get *on* the death star (don't ask me
how),and that even if earth is destroyed, John can still be considered the
winner.
- Kris Newton
ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)
First of all, we have to answer the question, "How did John get on The Death
Star in the first place?" The answer may surprise you.
We take you to NASA headquarters. The new experimental Mars Shuttle is en route
to the red planet, and Mission Control is eagerly awaiting the results of the
latest on-shuttle scientific experiment: One cop, a nerd, and a dog, all locked
in a room with only a Super Nintendo and a "Battle Clash" Cartridge with the
super-scope light gun to go with.
A similar experiment utilizing the same nerd, one "Dilbert," had brought forth
many exciting discoveries, so this time the eggheads at NASA upped the ante,
adding Dilbert's dog, Dogbert, and a grizzled New York cop named John McClane.
To boot, the trio was being forced to watch episodes of various 80's television
shows every other hour. Everything was going smoothly, until...
"Grand Moff Tarkin, sir?"
"Yes, Lt. Generic?"
"Well...um...begging your lordship's pardon, sir, but we're BORED. Our next
target, Earth, won't be in range for at least 24 hours, and there's no rebels
around to harass."
"Get to the point, Lieutenant, before I ask Lord Vader to turn your nose inside
out."
"Well...sensors have picked up a small primitive craft, probably from Earth. Can
we tractor beam it aboard and beat its crew up? PLEEEASE?"
At this point, you can guess what happens. The shuttle is pulled in, with the
crew captured and taken to the prison block for the crew's later amusement.
Fortunately for Our Heroes, the door to the test chamber was missed by the
initial search party.
John peeks his head out the door of the room; after deciding it's safe, he
motions for Dilbert and Dogbert to follow him. All he has with him in a
dufflebag are: freeze-dried chocolate ice-cream, the super-scope light gun
(useless as a weapon, but who knows...), a tool kit for Dilbert, a videotape
from the VCR, and a jar of Tang.
First things first, John thinks. I need help, and I need to call Earth. With
that in mind, he drags Dilbert to the nearest unattended tech-station.
Reginald VelJohnson awakes with a start as his phone rings. "MMmrph...hello? Who
IS this?"
"Hey, it's me, John! How're the twinkies today?"
"John. This BETTER be good."
Frantically explaining the situation, John fails to notice Dogbert's excited
reaction when the "Big Gun That Can Blow Up The Planet" is mentioned.
After another hour of searching for any sort of clue, Our Heroes crawl out of a
airvent into the sleeping quarters of none other than The Boy In Black, Darth
Vader. Thinking quickly, John loads the video cassette from his bag into the
sleeping Sith-Lord's chest module; his person violated, Vader of course wakes
with a start, but his mind REELS as six hours of "Moonlighting" is downloaded
directly into his cybernetic brain. The mounting sexual tension between 'Dave'
and 'Maddie' on the show becomes too much for him to bear, as he hasn't gotten
any in YEARS himself, and since the episode where they finally do sleep with
each other is not on the tape, Darth is denied a release, and dies in a
convulsing heap on the floor.
After the body of Vader is discovered, John and Co. are on the run! John finally
manages to obtain a blaster rifle after bluffing his way through a room of
troopers by "covering" them with the super-scope. Once he gets a REAL gun in his
hand, though...well, you've all seen John McClane work before. You know what to
expect.
Dilbert, on the other hand, has been hard at work (while being guarded by John)
at deciphering the Death Star's computers. He's just located The reactor core on
the map (next to Housewares, 3rd room on the left, 270 levels down) when he
notices that Dogbert is missing....
Grand Moff Tarkin sighed. It was just going to be one of those days, wasn't it?
Vader dead, the Emperor asking for hourly status reports, and now some small
white dog had locked him in his bathroom, after the small creature had cornered
him with what looked to be Darth's lightsaber.
Dogbert was having a giggle-fit. This was so great! After dreaming day after day
about becoming Supreme Ruler of Earth, he finally had the means! All he had done
was storm the bridge, wearing Vader's helmet and brandishing the lightsaber,
claim to be Vader's reincarnation, and the morons BOUGHT IT! He had the world
hostage, a private army of millions, and a really comfy chair with a WIDE-screen
TV set in the wall! What else could a small megalomanaiacal dog need?
John and Dilbert, in the meantime, were making serious headway towards the
reactor core. The body count had reached triple digits by this point, but who's
surprised by that? Along the way, the pair stopped to break the shuttle crew out
of jail. Unforunately for the astronauts, they fall under the category of
"cannon fodder" for this evening's entertainment, and are thus all killed in a
cross-fire during a breakout sequence that would have put a smile on John Woo's
face. All the astronauts, save one, died a horrible lasered death. The sole
survivor, now accompanying John M. and Dilbert on their quest for the reactor
core, was a cute little French mathematician who kept calling John "Butch", and
made numerous comments on the high quality of Dilbert's potbelly.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Reginald VelJohnson was stuck. He had called NASA to
explain what had happenned to their shuttle, and they had hung up on him after
calling him a very rude name. He had tried to convince his boss at the
police station, and the Chief had responded by asking him what he was lacing his
twinkies with these days, and if Reggie could send ten pounds of it to his
office "at once." Then it hit him in a moment of pure, horrifying clarity. He
needed to strike at the heart of the enemy, but how? How could he cause such
mass chaos and confusion in the Imperial Ranks that it would ruin their plans?
How indeed. Reginald VelJohnson smiled, and stepped outside to knock on his
next-door neighbor's front door.
Dilbert brushed off his hands on his shirt and adjusted his tie (which of course
was as about as effective as melting a glacier with a zippo). "That should do
- We have about 2 hours left to get off the station before this bomb made of a
surgical glove, freese-dried ice-cream, three tablespoons of Tang, and my
belly-button lint (won't the guys at work be impressed when I tell them about
THIS one!) goes off, taking the station with it! Let's go!"
Dogbert smiled. Earth was in range, and he had just opened hailing frequencies
with the U.N. "Attention, all you mindless morons! I am Dogbert Vader, your new
supreme--" ...and that was as far as he got before the viewscreen was suddenly
filled with the face of a young African-American teenager with glasses, wide
eyes, and the most nasal voice known to man and dog alike. The boy looked up
from the control panel he had been "only looking at" just moments before.
"Did *I* do that?"
Reggie smiled. The bane his existance, his neighbor, Urkel, was finally proving
useful. He had dragged the boy to his ham radio set, told Urkel in no uncertain
terms that he was to "clean the radio, but DON'T touch any buttons", closed the
door, and counted to ten. Before he had reached six, Urkel had already knocked
over the radio, accidently directed the transmission dish into deep space
(pointed right at the D.Star), and hit the on switch. Reggie sighed happily.
Aboard the Death Star, things had rapidly gone all higgledy-piggledy. Half the
crew was clutching their sides in laughter, directed at the boy on the screen
(if you asked them why they were laughing, they couldn't have told you exactly
why), and the other half of the crew was shooting at each other in the homicidal
rage that everyone gets when they are confronted with That Which Is Really
Un-Funny.
John passes by the bridge long enough to snag Dogbert (at Dilbert's request),
pulling the weeping canine from his new throne. After much begging on Dogbert's
part, John lets him keep the Darth Vader helmet and the lightsaber.
Finally, with only minutes before the bomb detonates in the reactor core, John
spots the TIE Fighter that goes with the keys he found in Vader's room. Hitting
the button on the keychain, the hatch opens with a loud "boop-beep-boop", and he
clambers inside, with Dogbert, Dilbert, and the French astronaut in tow. As they
settle into the padded seats, the French woman turns to John, who's starting up
the engine.
"Who's spacecraft iz thiz?"
"It's not a spacecraft, baby, it's a custom TIE Fighter," John responds.
And off they fly, with only a firm "Bad Dog!" being audible over the explosion
of the Death Star.
- Isaac Sher
[ A prime contender for ROTW, but just so very long... -Ed]