Top 100 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard
- Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
- Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
- Kirk has sex more than once a season.
- One Word: Hair.
- Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
- Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
- Picard is a French man with an English accent.
- Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
- Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
- Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
- Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
- Two words: Shoulder Roll.
- Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
- Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
- Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
- Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
- Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
- Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
- Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
- Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
- Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
- Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
- Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
- Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off--even around those pesky Yeomans.
- Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
- Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
- One Word: Velour.
- Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
- When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
- When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he
was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
- Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
- One Word: Iman.
- Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
- If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
- Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
- Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
- Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
- Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
- Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
- Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
- Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
- Kirk is not politically correct.
- Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the
alphabet.
- Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
- If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
- Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
- One Word: Miniskirts.
- Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
- Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
- Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
- Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
- The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK
YOURSELF."
- If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
- Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
- Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
- If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
- Picard never met Joan Collins.
- Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
- Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
- Two Words: Line Delivery.
- Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung
bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
- Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
- Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
- Kirk is not put off by green skin.
- Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
- Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
- Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
- Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
- One Word: Fisticuffs.
- Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
- Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
- You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
- Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
- Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
- Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
- Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
- Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
- The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
- Kirk's bridge is not beige.
- Two Words: Crane Shots.
- Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
- Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
- Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
- Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
- Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
- Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
- Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
- Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
- When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
- Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
- Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
- Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
- When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
- Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
- Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
- Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
- Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
- Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
- One Word: Balls.
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............. .............
......... Star Trek: The Next Generation ..........
......... Episode XXI: Who's The Better Crew? ..........
............. .............
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Sponsor: Slingshot Mailing Service
- When it absolutely, positively, had to be there
yesterday.
Scene 1:
[In a low-budgeted type universe]
Kirk: Stardate supplemental. With Wesley gone and Troi as working
prostitute, everything looks great...Everything is running
smoothly, every lonely crew-member is happy, and the morale of
of the ship is up. Nevertheless, I have this feeling that some-
thing is going to go wrong...
[WHOOOOSHH!!]
Spock: Captain, the duck has returned.
Kirk: Open hailing frequencies: [Uhura does and nods] And will you
please answer instead of nodding! ["Sorry Captain"] This is Capt.
Kirk of the USS Enterprise. What brings you back? After that
little stunt, I oughta blast you first and then ask questions!
Picard: <Capt. Kirk; I really meant no harm. We request the boy and
the Betazoid back.>
Kirk: Why the change of mind?
Picard: <Well, I never meant for them to stay...we were just visiting
and...um...I had to get back for an important phone call before
lunchtime...and>
Kirk: You could have went back five days before lunchtime using the
the slingshot. What's the truth Picard?
Picard: <Look, there's this lady whose pants I've been trying to get
into ever since I brought her husband's remains to her. She won't
do anything for me until I get back her son Wesley...okay?>
Kirk: [Rubbing chin] Okay, but it will have to wait until we finish
our current assignment.
Picard: <Please give him back now! Dammit she's been putting me off
for years! Do you know how it feels not to be able to get a girl?>
Kirk: No. [...well, maybe one particular female whale biologist...] Okay,
we'll help.
========================================================================
Scene 2:
[By computer console of NCC 1701-D]
Picard: And this is our computerized log record...
Kirk: Hmmm...mind if I take a look?
Picard: Certainly!
Kirk: I see you have some old records here, from when I commanded...
Wait a minute! We never got that disease from another ship!
Picard: We did.
Kirk: Oh. And this one is messed up too! We didn't do that exactly
like that either! Oh and look! There's Trelayne! "Go back
from where thou camest!" He was a cute kid...sore loser though.
Picard: He called himself "Q".
Kirk: Oh, see these are *your* records!
Picard: What are you trying to say?
Kirk: Your adventures are like our adventures! Don't you have anything
original that you've done?
Yar: I can't just stand here listening to him tell us that our adventures
are unoriginal!! I won't stand for it!!
Kirk: Dammit, girl! Get a hold of yourself!! *You* have got to get
a hold of yourself! Stop overreacting!!
Scene 3:
Beverly: Oh! You must be Dr. McCoy! My goodness! You look so young!
McCoy: Yes, thank you...and you are..?
Beverly: Crusher...Dr. Berverly Crusher.
McCoy: [smile appears on his face] ..Crusher? [starts to laugh]
Dr. 'Bones' Crusher?
Beverly: Yes...what's so amusing?
McCoy: Bones crusher!!! Oh I'm sure your patients love the name!!
[Laughing hysterically] Dammit Jim I'm a sadist..not a doctor!!!
Beverly: [Coldly] Really!!
[Kirk enters]
McCoy: Jim!! [Laughing and rasping for breath] Bones crusher!! Ha ha
ha ha!!!! Dammit Jim, I'm a sadist... ha ha ha! [exits]
[Beverly, all red in the face with anger, turns to face Kirk]
Beverly: [coldly] What do you want?
Kirk: I want to speak with you for a minute.
Beverly: One minute. That's it.
[typical Star Trek love music is heard...]
Kirk: Every once in a while, a man falls in love with a beautiful lady.
Sometimes he doesn't really know how to tell her he loves her. And
when the guy feels like that his love will not be returned, he
might do rash things, like even getting rid of anyone in his way,
in order to love, and be loved.
Beverly: [In a much calmer and sensuous tone] Oh James...
Kirk: Yes Dr. Crushummmmmmp. [...As Beverly jumps on Kirk and they
tumble to the floor of her cabin.]
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Scene 4:
[Aboard USS Enterprise NCC-1701...]
Picard: You mean to tell me that she [points to Troi] can be used like
that?? I've been sitting next to her for 18 episodes and I could of
been...DAMN!
Chekov: [to Sulu] Sound sexually fwustratid. Eh?
Sulu: [smiles and nods, then says to Chekov...] Our captain never had
it *that* bad.
Spock: [To Picard] Affirmative. It even took me by surprise, but I am
in control of my emotions. I am in control of my emotions!! I *am*
in control of my emotions!!! ARG! [Leaps onto Troi and mind melds]
[Kirk enters bridge, straightening out shirt, and looks around...
when the other crew members look at Kirk and give him a knowing smile,
he smiles and winks back.]
Kirk: Status report. [moment passes, and Kirk sees Spock] Spock!!
Spock: [regaining control of his emotions] Aye Captain.
Kirk: Status report.
Spock: Oh. [he goes to his station and looks into viewer...after a second
he replies in a calm voice] Klingons approaching...
Kirk: Red alert! Shields up! Arm phasers! Magnification full!
Picard: I must prepare my crew to go to get off the main bridge and get
ready for battle! [Pressing insignia] Riker, get everyone off of the
main bridge and into the battle bridge!!
Riker: <Sir, we left the main bridge in the computerized universe...
remember?>
Picard: Good work! [Turns to Kirk] Anyone have a suggestion to what
I should do?
Kirk: Relax. Just sit on the floor and watch an old pro in action.
Uhura, open hailing frequencies.
Uhura: Aye, Captain...sir, the Klingons are sending a distress signal...
code red.
Kirk: Analysis, Mr Spock?
Spock: They are in perfect condition. No external or interior damage.
However, they are not cloaked and they're shields are down. All
weapon systems are off.
Uhura: They are signaling us, sir.
Kirk: [Surprised] On viewer.
Captain Dk'ls: Kirk!! You win!! We surrender!
Picard: Hey! That's my line!
Dk'ls: You want peace, you got peace! Just take back Wesley!!
Kirk: What happened?
Dk'ls: Well, we confined Wesley to a prison cell, but he escaped.
He took over engineering, and looked over our cloaking device,
and replied 'How primative'. He then made another cloaking
device, which taps into the energy of our ship. His cloaking
device, however, fits on his belt, and no one can see him.
Oh please help us! He's driving us crazy!!
Kirk: [sarcastically] What makes you think we want him back? [Picard
glances and growls at Kirk] Maybe this is a trick. Maybe you
are...
Dk'ls: [whining] Please!!!
Kirk: Alright already. [Into chair intercom] Scotty, beam up the little
pest using the signal his insignia gives off as a position.
Scotty: [sighing] <<Aye Sir..>> [pause] <<Got him Captain...>>
Kirk: [Into chair intercom] Good. Beam him to the duck ship...
[Picard glances at Kirk again] ...err, I mean the other
Enterprise. Kirk out. [sighs and faces viewer]
Dk'ls: Thank you. We will *consider* peace.
Picard: Gotta go. Crusher must be waiting for me!!
Sulu: The Klingon ship has just warped out of the system.
Picard: Kirk, thanks for your help. I think I've learned a lot.
Bye. [Picard beams back to his ship]
[McCoy materializes on bridge]
McCoy: Hi Jim! How was "Bones" Crusher? Was that just her name or
sexual tendencies? [laughs hysterically]
Kirk: Speaking of which, they forgot to beam Troi [who now fades]
back....Oh well [sigh]
[Every other male member on bridge sighs]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Epilogue:
Picard: Bev? Are you in?
Beverly: Yes. What do you want.
Picard: [enters] Are you ready to have some fun?..hmmm...
Beverly: Not tonight. I've got a headache.
Picard: What? Why not take something for it? You are a doctor y'know.
Beverly: Oh Captain! Don't you get the picture? No, I don't have a
headache. It's just that, well after Kirk, I know I can do much
better than you.
Picard: [flushed with anger] I...you...umph! [Starts to walk out of
her room...] That's alright...there's something I've been dying
to try with Troi anyway...'Bones' Crusher... [Laughs as he exits]
[Beverly's face reddens with anger]
[The End!]
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