From: IN%"elkalama@csnxt1" 20-OCT-1990 14:30:16.88
I keep hearing so much about the Enterprise vs. this, the Enterprise vs.
that... Folks, you're going at it all wrong! If you're going to do
showdowns, this is how it should be...
[Scene : The bridge. Everyone except the Captain is in their places,
but something is slightly...different. Mainly the fact that everyone
is wearing leather cowboy boots and uniforms with fringe. Suddenly,
the transporter doors swing open, and out moseys Captain Picard.]
Picard : Numbuh One, what do we have here?
Riker : This here unidentified vessel just showed up and blocked our
path, sir!
[Show viewscreen. The Death Star is on it.]
Picard : Open hailin' frequencies. Unidentified vessel, this is
Captain Jean-Luc "Pecos" Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Who
might you be?
[Vader appears on the screen, sporting a ten-gallon hat, stubble on
his mask, and smoking a big cigar through a hole cut in it.]
Vader : [Haaaa-huuuh] Ah'm "Deadeye" Darth Vader, and ahm'a callin'
you out! You says you're the fastest phaser in the galaxy?
Well, this here galaxy's not big enough fer the both of us!
[Haaaa-huuuh]
[Picard adjusts his hat, looks stoically into the camera and, for
added effect, spits a wad of tobacco juice into the bridge spittoon
(sput-DING!)]
[Fade to opening sequence, with the background music replaced by the
theme from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" (You know,
"wee-oo-wee-oo-weeeeee, wah-WAAAAHHH-wahhh!")]
Picard : Space, the final showdown. These are the trails of the U.S.S.
Enterprise. Her mission, to prove to one and all that she's
THE FASTEST PHASER IN THE GALAXY!
"STAR TREK : THE NEXT SHOWDOWN"!
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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[Scene: The bridge]
Picard : You think you can get a phaser lock, Varmint?
Vader : Yer damn straight I can. And who you callin' "varmint"?
Picard : I was talkin' to my Klingon security officer.
Varmint : Yes, sir, I can!
Vader : Boy, that's one mean lookin' varmint!
Varmint : Thank you!
Picard : So you want a piece of the fastest phaser in the galaxy, do
you? Then draw, pardner!
[Scene flashes quickly between Picard's steely eyes and Vader's
completely black ones. Suddenly, Vader makes a hand motion and the
tremendous gun of the Death Star is activated!! Fiery crackling energy
builds and builds until it is unleashed in a BLAZING INFERNO OF
PLANET-VAPORIZING DESTRUCTION!!!]
Picard : Yuh missed.
Vader : Shee-yit!
Picard : Varmint, finish them off!
[BLOOIE!]
[Picard straightens his hat and turns to leave.]
Picard : If'n anyone needs me, I'll be in the Forward Saloon.
[Scene: 10-Forward. Picard throws open the swinging doors and moseys
up to the bar. An incredibly out-of-tune piano is playing.]
Picard : Barmaid! Gimme a shot o' redeye!
[Guinan pours him the shot. Picard knocks it back.]
Guinan : So what brings you here, "Pecos"?
Picard : Ah need some time to think. How much longer will we have to
defend ourselves from every lilly-livered prarie dog that
wants a shot at our title? Just this week alone we've had to
shoot down the entire casts of Star Wars, Buck Rogers, and the
Wacky Racers!
Guinan : Probably as long as the folks on r.a.s can think of new
things to pit you against.
Picard : Damn. Ferever. Well, Ah need to think about it. Or mebbe I
just need to get sloshed, I don't know.
[Camera changes focus to Geordi and O'Brien.]
O'Brien : Why you yeller-bellied varmint! How dare you say mah
transporters are junk! They're better'n thet disaster area you
call an engine room!
Geordi : My engine room is a mess?? Why, you snake-livered gila
monster!
[O'Brien is puzzled by Geordi's last metaphor, which gives Geordi time
to nail him with a haymaker. The entire saloon erupts into a brawl,
and many wooden chairs are smashed.]
Intercom : Captain Picard to the bridge!
[Scene shifts to the bridge. A large white craft is on the viewscreen.
The bridge crew doesn't know what it is, but we know it's the
Battlestar Galactica.]
Riker : Deanna Sue, what feelings do you git from thet thar ship?
Troi : Well, Ah do declare! I--
Riker [whispering in his normal voice] : Western accent, not southern!
Dammit, Deanna, how many times do we have to go through this!
Troi [same] : "Thet thar ship"? Ah don't think yer gonna like what I hafta tell
ya! Ah think the captain of that ship has had more experience
in this type o' situation.
Varmint : Sir, we're bein' hailed.
[Screen shows Lorne Green in white good-guy outfit]
Adama : I'm Commander "Ace" Adama Cartwright of the Galactica. I have
decided to put an end to your reign of destruction.
Riker : Lissen here, mister--
Adama : Enough! Lieutenant Little Joe, launch the Posse Fighters!
[External shot of Galactica shows fighters being launched. Curiously,
they have no roofs, and the pilots are shooting guns in the "air" and
shouting "YEE-HAA! WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP!". They fire on the Big E. Cut
back to the bridge, which is shaking.]
Wesley : Sir!
Riker : What is it, Wesley the Kid?
Wesley : Me'n "Digital" Data have found away to defeat the fighters.
Notice how they keep following the same patterns?
Riker : Yeah. That's curious! Why is that?
Data : Simply because their show was of a lower budget than ours,
which forced them to reuse the same footage. I've keyed the
computers to automatically fire the next time around.
[External shot. All the fighter are destroyed in 1 1/2 seconds.]
Adama : Shoot!
[Back to the Enterprise. Picard arrives.]
Riker : What took ya so long?
Picard : Do ya have any idear how long it takes to mosey from 10
Forward to the bridge?
Adama : Picard, why don't we settle this like gentlemen?
Picard : Are you suggestin' a duel?
Adama : Exactly.
Picard : Who's gonna call it?
Adama : I know someone only too glad to see one of us go. Our
prisoner, "Black Jack" Baltar.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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[External shot. The Enterprise and the Galactica are back to back.
Between the two is a small pod. Cut to inside the pod.]
Baltar : Now, Ah wants a good, clean duel. Don't do anythin' Ah
wouldn't do! MU-HU-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!
[Baltar begins to count. With each count, the two ships move away from
each other.]
Baltar : 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9
[The Enterprise fires a load of photon torpedos from its aft tubes and
blows the Galactica away.]
Baltar : That wasn't very nice!
Picard : Neither's this.
[The Enterprise blows away Baltar, too]
Riker : Captain, with all due respect, that was lower'n a snake's
belly!
Varmint : I *admire* lower'n-a-snake's-belly!
Picard : I admit that wasn't the most honorable thing I could've done,
but ya do what ya gotta do...when you're the fastest phaser in
the galaxy. [Adjusts hat, moseys off bridge]
[External. A large sunset has mysteriously appeared in space, and the
Enterprise rides off into it, to the following music:]
"Happy trails to you,
Until we meet again!
Happy trails to you,
Keep Trekkin' until then!
Who cares about the Gorns or the Orions?
When we're all done with them they will cryin'!
Happy trails to you,
'Til we meet again!"
[Fin]
There. I hope that settles everything once and for all. :-)