TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETACHED HEAD
- Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
- The ball in Parisis' Squares
- Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
- Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
- Prop open doors for maintenance crews
- Lawn decoration in Arboretum
- Footstool for Captain's chair
- entertaining kids in day care puppet show
- Scare Alexander into doing chores
- Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
- Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
- Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research
- Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
- Two words: tether ball
- New Nintendo deck
- Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
- Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
- Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
and the number one use for Data's detached head...
- Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy
Some things that never happen on Star Trek...
>>A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.
>>The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
>>Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.
>>Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.
>>Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."
>>Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.
>>A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."
>>An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening
or menacing in any way.
>>Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.
>>Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.
>>The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and
nobody suffers major emotional trauma.
>>A major character dies and isn't resurrected.
>>The mysterious giant threatening object is on a direct course for some
world other than Earth.
>>Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of
the galaxy obsolete.
>>McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."
Top 10 Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9: Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.
8: Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock
the little snot around a bit."
5: Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.
4: On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a
Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again
get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she
mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing
sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.
2: Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down
to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment
about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the
few.
1: Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble
stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even
an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.
Assorted Star Trek Jokes
By Jason Gaston
Have you heard the new Klingon army motto?
Join the Klingon army. Visit exotic planets, meet interesting
people, and kill them!
Tribbles are sweet...
...but they can be bitter if you overcook them.
He's dead Jim...
...I'll get his tricorder, you get his wallet.
She's dead Riker...
...but you still need a condum.
The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and
torture you for information.
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...Enjoy!
- Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on
the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
- Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a
shuttlecraft.
- Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
- Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick
Hertz is there.
Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
- Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft.
- Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data.
- Giving Worf a nuggie.
- Ordering a pizza from Domino's, then going 30 minutes into the future
just to piss them off. (Ha ha! Free pizza!)
- Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during
self-destruct sequence.
Top Ten Reasons why the Federation doesn't use cloaking devices:
1.Test vessels keep disappearing and are never seen again.
8.Don't want to admit that for once, Klingons had a really good idea.
The Top 19 Things You're Not About To Hear on The Enterprise
18) Picard: No, please, Mr. Data, do go on. I find your list of synonyms for 'extinct' fascinating...
16) Picard: Good work, Counselor. If you hadn't told us those aliens had hostile intent, we would have been completely fooled by their plan"
9) A Starfleet Admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there are plenty of other ships in your quadrant.
1) Picard: Ah, what the heck. I'm bored. Screw the hailing frequencies, fire at will.
Misc. Star Trek Jokes
He's dead Jim...
...I'll get his tricorder, you get his wallet.
She's dead Riker...
...but you still need a condom.
Did you hear that the Star Trek Doctors from The Next Generation, The Original Series and Deep Space Nine are setting up their own medical practice?
They're going to call it "Crusher, Bones and Bashir."
Star Trek with Dilbert Management
This section was "stolen" from The Dilbert Newsletter 13.01. To get the Dilbert Newsletter go to The Dilbert Zone. Saint Diana of Wales offers this vision of what the 24th century would be like under today's management techniques.
1.After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
3.All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone.
5.As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
10.A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running all erotic holodeck simulations and Geordi at ten forward.
11.The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they're still only getting 3% raises.
Top 10 Starfleet General Orders Other Than the Prime Directive
- Order 13: No flag officer shall be required to perform a fan-dance.
- Order 101: No transmissions on an open channel may contain the term "gnarly".
- Order 4: Pony tails are only allowed for peronnel who have whacked a guy with a bat'leth.
- Order 21: Phaser rifles may no longer be used to warm cheeseburgers.
- Order 218: Unused bridge stations can only be used for "Mortal Kombat" tournaments only in drydock.
The Top 12 Star Trek Euphemisms for Death
2.Sleeps with the Tribbles
3.Zeroing out the Tricorder
5.Boldly Going, Going, Gone
7.On Permanent Holodeck Duty
10.Doing the Vulcan Ground Meld
The TOP TEN secrets about the Enterprise and its crew
10) All routine maintainence on the ship is done by Oompa-Loompas
9) Dr. Pulaski was sealed alive in a seldom used Jefferies tube by Data after she insulted him one too many times
8) Riker's parents were Nazis, his middle initial "T" stands for "Third"
7) Troi starts all counseling sessions with male crew members by asking "So, is that a phaser rifle in
your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
6) Before joining Starfleet, Jean-Luc Picard was a Chippendale's dancer
5) "Worf" is Klingonese for "pinhead"
4) Riker amuses himself by signing all reports with the abbreviation "F. Off."
3) Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece
2) Picard is Wesley's father
1) Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father
The TOP TWENTY surprise plot twists in upcoming TNG episodes
15) Worf signs his son Alexander up for ballet lessons
14) Data swears
13) Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a Saturday Night Live style Conehead
12) Picard beams down
11) All of Geordi's lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no pseudo-scientific doubletalk
10) Troi runs amok with a machete
9) Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his "command" has been a
holodeck simulation
8) Geordi gets a woman
7) Ten Forward is turned into a strip-joint, with its lead act being Beverly Crusher as "The Dancing, Disrobing Doctor"
6) Tired of not being sure whether he is a lieutenant or a chief petty officer, O'Brien beams the entire bridge crew into a black hole and assumes the rank of Captain
5) Picard fires the phasers
4) "Prime Directive" is the word of the day, entire crew goes "Aaaaahhhhh!!" at the top of their lungs whenever it is mentioned
3) Data's cat, Spot, is revealed as a Romulan spy
2) Wesley is affected the same as the rest of the crew, and a no-name security guard saves the ship
1) Picard switches from Earl Grey to Nestea Instant Tea Mix; does "Nestea Plunge" into swimming pool on holodeck