Jesus, Mother Mary and a cloaked man are playing golf. Jesus tees off and gets a hole‑in‑one. Mother Mary tees off and gets a hole‑in‑one. The cloaked man tees off and misses the green completely and goes into the water‑trap.
A fish spurts the ball out of the water, a bird catches it and gives it to a squirrel, who drops it in the hole. Jesus says "Dad, are you going to play golf, or what?"
One day Satan challenged Heaven to a baseball game. Peter took a quick look at the rosters and accepted, warning Satan that heaven had all the greatest players who ever died. Satan acknowledged this, but told Peter, "Don't worry, we have a secret weapon."
On the day of the game Peter asked Satan who his secret weapon was. Satan responded, "We have all the umpires."
Why is it that when you talk to God it's called "prayer," but when God talks to you it's called "schizophrenia?"
There was this company called Jensen Nails, which, funnily enough produced nails. One day Jensen decided that he would spring for a TV commercial, and contacted a commercial agency in his hometown.
"Sure", they said, "we can have a commercial ready for next week, and we'll manage all about airing it to." So, the next week Jensen sits impatiently in front of his TV, awaiting his commercial, and suddenly, its aired.
What he saw was this :
Three strong men nailing Jesus to a cross, and then the words "Jensen Nails, you KNOW the quality" appeared on the screen, along with his telephone number.
Needless to say the phone rang almost instantly, and the following days he was completely trashed by all sorts of Christian believers.
Jensen, of course, couldn't live with this, and contacted the add agency, complaining that this wasn't what he wanted and demanded a refund.
The agency refused a refund, but promised that they would produce a new add to be aired next week, and Jensen agreed.
The week after Jensen was once again to be found in front of the TV, and when his commercial aired, this is what he saw :
A man, obviously Jesus, running through a street, with a totally wild mob of people chasing him.
Then the words : "If only they had used Jensen Nails!"
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it nearly always turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk to them.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly said, "We are in big trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics gets hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars."
"There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then the rabbi hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police to join us."
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:
Dear Father,
1.Next time sip rather than gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.We do not refer to the Cross as the ``Big T''.
5.The recommended grace before meals is not ``Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!''
6.We do not refer our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as ``J.C. and the Boys''.
7.David slew Goliath, he did not ``Kick the shit out of him''.
8.Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
9.We don't refer to Judas as ``El Finko''.
10.The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him as ``The Godfather''.
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, ``Take this and eat it, for it is my body,'' he did not say, ``Eat me.''
12.David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't ``stoned off his ass''.
13.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as ``Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.''
14.It is always the Virgin Mary, never ``Mary with the Cherry''.
15.Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Have you heard the one about the two nuns in the supermarket? The first nun wanted to buy only one banana, but then the other nun said: let´s buy two, and eat one of them!!
Ten Nun Jokes
#1
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was
about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come
to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were
not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they
discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to
die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to
see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can
look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well,
Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If
I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
3.
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the
pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a
collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to
answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of
Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve" The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she
went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun: "An apple" The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went
through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The
lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
#3
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was
walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir
you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun," and the man said "But
that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish
back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn
fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk
like that!" and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name
of it: a goddamn fish." So the mother superior said "Well give me the
goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the
monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you
shouldn't talk like that!" and the mother superior said "But that's
the name of it: a goddamn fish." So the monsignor said "Well give me
the goddamn fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a
new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the
sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I
cleaned the goddamn fish." And the monsignor said "I cooked the
goddamn fish." And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place
already!"
#4
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business
next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any dirty habits.
#5
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him
and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long
black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I
saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on
this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another
nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please
place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end
of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO
IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS
OF MERCY.
#6
This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day,
when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way.
Then the man sayeth unto her, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from
the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice,
unless you're tired."
#7
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a
few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent
for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday
morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the preist and says, "Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?"
She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of
his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it." The priest looks
up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and
drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the
fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
I have sinned." The priest asks" Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The
priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,
"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The
fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
#8
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The
mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair of men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh,no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee,hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
#9
Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to
heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate.
"Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the
gates," says St. Peter. Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and
says," "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!"
Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and
your sin will be forgiven.
The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a
man's penis!"
Ohhh, says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and wash your hands
in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven...
...meanwhile, in the backround the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are
going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem,
that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St.
Peter.
"Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle
with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!"
#10
This german tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer
that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting
and he managed to stay behind and start wandering. Feeling the urge,
he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was
doing his business, he was surprised by the Mother Superior. "OH! I am
soo sorry!' "No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a
man's...You know. Could I take a look?" The tourist was freaked out by
a nun asking to see his works but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he
figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was
about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it.
Would you mind...?" "This is really wierd, but sure." The tourist was
getting really exited. Who could say that you had been tossed off by
a nun? "Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete
expience?" the nun requested. The tourist, sure that he was about to
get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondleing his
testicles and sudennly straightened, and said,
"Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!!!!!!!!!(SQUEEZE).
The Friars
Three friars were banished from their monastery for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They travelled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.
One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.
Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A man walked into the ladies' department of the largest department store in his area. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the different types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."