Top Thirty Chuck Norris Facts
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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. |
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Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. |
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Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. |
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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. |
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Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. |
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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. |
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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. |
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To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. |
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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. |
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Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. |
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A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. |
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When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. |
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Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. |
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. |
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Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. |
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As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. |
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Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. |
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A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. |
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Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris |
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Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. |
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Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. |
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According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. |
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The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. |
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Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. |
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Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris |
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If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down. |
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Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. |
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If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. |
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Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it. |
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In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.