A phone rings.......
Operator (O) : Good afternoon, Toddler Helpline. How may I help you?
Parent (P) : Hello, I am calling about my toddler unit ‑ I have reason to believe that it is
malfunctioning.
O : Could you please state the nature of the problem?
P : State the nature of the problem? You asked for it ‑ my toddler is, as we speak, tied to the ceiling fan!
O : Okay sir, please calm down ‑ you don't need to shout. Now, I'm going to need two pieces of
information to assist you fully. Number one ‑ do have the boy or the girl unit?
P : A boy unit ‑ why?
O: Okay, I see ‑ and number two ‑ is your boy toddler unit just TIED to the ceiling fan, or is he
actually fooling with the wiring? Oh yes, and one other minor detail ‑ is the ceiling fan turned ON?
P: No, he is NOT re‑wiring it, the ceiling fan is NOT turned on, and he is tied to the friggin' fan!
Why does any of that matter ‑ he is TIED TO A CEILING FAN, neither my wife nor I put him
there, he is an ONLY UNIT, and the dog lacks the know‑how. Obviously, the unit is
malfunctioning!
O : Listen, sir ‑ I am really sorry, but if you have a boy toddler unit, the fan is OFF, and the wiring is intact, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with your unit ‑ it is functioning up to specs! Aren't these boy models clever?
P : Now YOU listen, lady ‑ I spent a lot of money on this model, and you have been NO HELP AT ALL! I want to speak to someone in technical support!
O : I'm sorry, sir, but our entire technical support staff is on an assertiveness‑training retreat in Death Valley with the Marquis de Sade.
P: Sheesh ‑ If you can't help me, then I want to order an instruction manual!
O: Sorry, but I can't do that. If you were stupid enough to order a toddler unit, then the instruction manual would be FAR too difficult for you to comprehend!
P: Damn ‑ then just tell me where the friggin' off switch is! You can do that, can't you?
O: Sorry, sir ‑ no can do! Only product development knows where that is, and they're not telling!
P: Okay, smart‑ass ‑ I want a REFUND ‑ PRONTO!!
O: I am truly sorry, sir, but all units are custom‑made and totally NON‑REFUNDABLE!
P: Dammit ‑ can I at least exchange it for another model?
O: No, but you wouldn't want to anyway. The girl models are just as much trouble, are more
expensive to maintain, and the whining ‑ well, let's just say you got off easy with the boy model. You can order a NEW girl unit if you so desire, but I am afraid your boy model is a keeper!
P: Great, just GREAT ‑ NOW what am I supposed to do?
O: Well, this is just a suggestion, mind you, but if I were YOU, I would get your toddler off the
ceiling fan and then call the doctor and make an appointment ‑ for YOU! You sound stressed ‑
stress can kill!
P: Yeah, if the diabolical little troll beast doesn't do it to me first! Geez ‑ thanks, Lady ‑ for
NOTHING!!
O: Glad I could be of assistance. By the way, due to recent budget cutbacks beyond my personal
control, the Toddler Helpline is required to charge you $4.99 per minute for this call. Have a nice
day, and thank you for calling the Toddler Helpline.
the scene closes with the parent dropping the phone and clutching his chest in pain, to the sound of a toddler going WHEEEEEEEEE! as the fan slowly turns around and around and around............