Will Rogers was an American humorist.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can say they're funny or they're terrible or they're good, or whatever, but you can just pass 'em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law! And every time they make a law, it's a joke!
Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never ge to vote on what he is to do.
Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How is the president?"
When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.