The Simpsons is arguably the most successful animated tv show of all time lasting at least 30 years. Enjoy some moments.
Homer Humor on Beer, Food and TV
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Homer on Family
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
Homer on Religion
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Homer on Life and his 'Wisdom'
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight
hours of TV a day.
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
Homer on Work
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Classic D'Oh! Homerisms
Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."
"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"
"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family."
"D'oh!!!"
"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"
"God bless those pagans."
"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."
"I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
"Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers."
"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"
"Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!"
"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."
"No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed."
"Ignore the boy, Lord."
"Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?"
"You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
"Trying is the first step towards failure."
"America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"
"What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?"
"Being popular is the most important thing in the world!"
"The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!"
"Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin." (on death of cat).
"Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle."
"OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers."
"No! No no no no no no! Well, yes."
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
"All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."
"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."
"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
"Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."
"Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours."
"And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream."
"Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college."
"Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television."
"Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible."
"Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer."
"When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return."
"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."
"Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!"
"Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."
"You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!"
"I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?"
"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on."
Bart Simpson Quotations
I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do: smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, shave a swear word in my hair.
I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.
I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!
Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
"I'm Bart Simpson, who the Hell are you?"
"Eat my shorts."
" Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!"
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."
"Don't have a cow, man."
"Cool, I broke his brain!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures."
"No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
"What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them-as is my understanding."
"Cross you heart, hope to die. Stick a needle in your eye. Jam a dagger in your thigh. Eat a horse manure pie!"
Lisa Simpson Quotations
I am the Lizard Queen!
[Lisa in goal for hockey team]
Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
"It's naive to think you can change a person--except maybe that boy who works in the library."
"Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?"
Ralph Wiggum Quotes
Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!
I bent my wookie.
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there
Ralph: "Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants."
Chief Wiggum: "Just relax and it'll come, son."
And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life
I found a moonrock in my nose!
That's where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!
Skinner Quotes
There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
Bartender Moe Quotations
All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.
Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
Apu Quotations
Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.
Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
Please do not offer my god a peanut
[Apu gets shot]
Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass
[Bart and Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart]
Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!
Nickel off on expired baby food
Chief Wiggum Quotes
See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.
Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?
This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it!
Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!
Marge Simpson Quotes
You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.
You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.
"Bart, stop pestering Satan!"
Mr Burns Quotes
Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.
I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.
What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
Just give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll 'oink' for more every time.
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!
I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here's the fellow ... Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.
Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!
This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green blow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?
[Stone flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones.
Nelson Quotes
Ha-Ha.
We've been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart. Today let's pound his kidneys
[On the movie "Naked Lunch"]
I can think of at least two things wrong with that title!
In my dreams, I'm a viking!
Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party.
Lisa: [reading] "Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you?
Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke something.