Futurama was an animated tv show about a man being revived in the future. It was pretty funny.
Fry: "Full price for gum?! That dog won't hunt, Monsignor."
Fry: "Its just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?"
Fry: "This is the best movie I've ever seen. It has a vampire and an explosion!"
Fry: [offscreen] Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.
Fry: That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt.
Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
(talking to the Beastie Boys)
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
Leela: I've never seem anyone so addicted to Slurm.
Fry: This is nothing. In high school, I used to drink a hundred cans of Cola a week, right up to my third heart attack.
Fry: What's deathrolling?
Kid tribe member: It's like skateboarding, but half the time someone dies.
Fry: Oh. So it's a little safer than skateboarding.
Bender
"This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me!"
"Oh. Your. God."
"My life, and by extension everyone else's is meaningless."
"Oh wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder."
"Call me old fashioned but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating."
"Congratulations Fry, you've snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's probably got other characteristics..."
"Bite my glorious golden ass!"
"Everybody's a jerk. You, me, this jerk."
"I hate the people that love me and they hate me."
"Do I preach to you while you're lying stoned in the gutter? No."
"I could pound your head 'til you thinks that's what happened."
"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny."
"Tempers are wearing thin. Let's hope some robot doesn't kill everybody."
"Would you kindly shut your noise-hole?"
One of Bender’s kids: Can we have Bender burgers again?
Bender: No, the cat shelter’s onto me.
Bender and Leela are in a cemetery]
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.
[after being kicked out of a theme park]
Bender: Yeah, well... I'm gonna go build my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park!
Bender: Well I don’t have anything else planned for today, let’s get drunk!
Bender: “Hey, guess what you’re accessories to?”
Bender: “Like most of life’s problems, this one can be solved with bending.”
Bender: I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them, but how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing Spanish. Ooh, wait! That's it! I'll fake it!
Bender: You're the kind of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to visit the Sexeteria.
[while watching an actor playing him in Fry's Opera]
Bender: I don't remember ever fighting Godzilla... But that is so how I would have done it!
Bender: Hey. What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.
Leela
"I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse, and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane!"
"This is Fry's decision. And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere in his life."
“Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone’s going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it.”-Leela
“Hey, you know what’d cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy.” -Amy
“A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies….” -Leela
Professor
"Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement, so anyone with a weak heart should leave now. "
"Everyone's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooohh! Suddenly you've gone too far!"
"Oh, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood..."
[Gunther the Monkey runs away]
Professor: Oh, I always feared he would run off like this. Why? WHY? WHY didn't I break his legs?
[the Professor is on the phone]
Professor: Oh how awful. Did he at least die peacefully?
[pause]
Professor: To shreds you say, tsk tsk tsk. Well, how's his wife holding up?
[pause]
Professor: To shreds, you say.
Professor: Ouch! That’s going to bleed when my heart beats.
Professor: Some say I’m robbing the cradle but I say she’s robbing the grave.
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference to announce that I was a jive sucker.
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball’s in Farnsworth’s court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
Professor: “And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who’s gone to a place where I too hope one day to go: the toilet.”
[the lab is collapsing]
Professor: Buddha. Zeus. God. Somebody help me. Satan, you owe me.
[Bender has joined the Church of Robotology]
Professor: If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism, or Voodoo?
Professor: Sweet zombie Jesus!
Professor: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm society.
Hermes Conrad: But what about the worms in the other parts of his body?
Professor: Listen, this is going to be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
Zoidberg
"Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad!"
"...And that's how I got my new shell. It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday, and I found it in the same dumpster, but this one had a live racoon inside."
"I don't trust that doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's even treated."
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients’ bodies….
[Dr. Zoidberg is preparing to look for a mate]
Zoidberg: How do I look?
Bender: Like whale barf.
Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete.
Dr. Zoidberg: I wonder what the shroud of Turin tastes like.
Amy
"Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents said if I got all B's they'd buy me a bar. And I got all C's!"
Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
Zapp Branigan
"The best way into a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them, and you're in."
"I am the man with no name - Zapp Brannigan, at your service."
(from his chat-up line book) "If I said you had a nice body would you take off your pants and dance around a little?"
"If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate."
"Kif, I'm headed to the men's room and I'll be needing an attendant, so-."
"Teenagers all smoke, and they seem pretty on the ball."
"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy, and bruised."
“ Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.”
“ We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?”
Kif Kroker: That new recruit is phenomenal, sir.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Yes. He edged out my old mark by two seconds...
[Kif stares at him]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: ... and 16 minutes...
[Kif rolls his eyes]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: ... and 12 hours...
[Kif stares at him]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: ... I do plan to finish someday, Kif.
[the city is being attacked by Lucy Liu robots]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now there's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
[regarding a desolate planet at the centre of an intergalactic war]
Solider: Why is this godforsaken hellhole worth dying for?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Don't ask me. You're the ones who are going to be dying.
Morbo
"Stop it, stop it, it's fine. I will destroy you."
"Pathetic humans! Prepare to write down the recipe!"
Morbo: Morbo will now introduce the candidates - Puny Human Number One, Puny Human Number Two, and Morbo's good friend Richard Nixon.
Richard Nixon's Head: How's the family, Morbo?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
Human female: “All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not soon forget.”
Morbo: “Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New York is doomed.”
Human female: “The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to it’s highest level in centuries, six percent.”
Morbo: “Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with estimated zero votes.”
Human female: “The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And robot votes are now in. Nixon has won.”
Morbo: “Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.”
Morbo: So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids, and they couldn’t believe it. They were delicious! But I digress. Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all!
Morbo: Welcome to “Entertainment And Earth Invasion Tonite”. Across the galaxy my people are completing the mighty space fleet that will exterminate the human race! But first, this news from Tinseltown.
Group
Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
Fry: Well let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
Bender: Too much work. Let's we burn it and *say* we dumped it in the sewer.
Fry: What if I don't want to be a delivery boy?
Leela: Then you'll be fired...
Fry: Fine.
Leela:...out of a cannon, into the sun.
Dr. Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
[Fry opens his mouth]
Dr. Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.
Fry: I only have one.
Dr. Zoidberg: Really?
Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?
Dr. Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "brglgrglgrrr"!
Fry: Hey, whatcha' watchin'?
Bender: [hastily turning off the TV] Uh, nothin'!
Leela: Was that a cooking show?
Bender: No, of course not! It was, uh... porno! Yeah, that's it!
Leela: [turning the TV back on] Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.
Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long...
Fry: It's okay Bender, I like cooking too.
Bender: Pansy.
Amy Wong: Leela's gonna kill me.
Bender: Naw, she'll probably have me do it.
Fry: Did you build the Smelloscope?
Professor: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.
Fry: Smells like strawberries.
Professor: Exactly. And now, now Saturn.
Fry: Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great... hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus.
Leela: I don't get it.
Professor: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: Oh. What's it called now?
Professor: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Fry: No, no, I, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here.
[Discussion of the mysterious Slurm Cola]
Leela: This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient.
Fry: My God, what if the secret ingredient is people?
Leela: No, there's already a soda like that - Soylent Cola.
Fry: Oh. How is it?
Leela: It varies from person to person.
[On turning Leela into a Slurm Queen]
Glurmo: But your Highness, she's a commoner. Her slurm will taste foul.
Slurm Queen: Yes. Which is why we'll market it as "New Slurm". Then when everyone hates it, we'll bring back "Slurm Classic," and make billions.
Bender: Wow, your kid is great. How hard did you say you had to hit him?
Mother: Fairly hard.
Narrator: You are entering the realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. Please send a man 'round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.
Clyde Smith: [Smith is run over by a car, then awakes in a casino. He plays the slot machine and wins] Ha-ha-ha! A casino where I'm winning? That car must've killed me. I must be in heaven!
[wins again]
Clyde Smith: A casino where I always win. That's boring. I must really be... in HELL!
Sebastian Cabot: No, Mr. Smith. You are not in heaven or hell. You are on an airplane!
[unrolls the curtains, revealing the airplane windows. A creature sits on the wing of the plane, ripping wires out of it]
Clyde Smith: There's a gremlin destroying the plane. You gotta believe me!
Sebastian CabotWhy should I believe you? You're Hitler!
[Pulls out a mirror. Clyde's reflection indeed looks like Hitler]
Clyde Smith: No!
[turns to a woman sitting next to him]
Clyde Smith: Eva Braun! Help me!
[the woman pulls off a mask, revealing the head of a fly]
Clyde Smith: A-a-ah!
Bender: Saw it coming.
Bender: I can't see anything. Are we boned?
Leela: We're boned.
Professor: You must take him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Fry: Oh baby. I'm THERE.
Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.
Fry: Ooh. "Big Pink." It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.
Bender: And it pinkens your teeth as you chew.
Al Gore: To my left, you'll recognize Gary Gygax, inventor of Dungeons & Dragons.
Gary Gygax: Greetings it's a...
[rolls dice]
Gary Gygax: ... pleasure to meet you.
[the universe has been destroyed]
Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again.
Dr. Zoidberg: I want the tactile pleasure in cutting him here...
[points his claw at Fry's neck]
Dr. Zoidberg:... in the gonads.
Fry: [to crowd] Shhhhhh. Nobody correct him.
[Everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah!!!
Edna: I heard you went off and became a rich doctor.
Dr. Zoidberg: [proudly] I've performed a few mercy killings.
[Fry is being Zoidberg's Cyrano]
Fry: Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin.
Dr. Zoidberg: [calling to Edna] You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?
Edna: [pleased] Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.
Rich Little: [imitating Howard Cosell] The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000 to 0. A bet of zero dollars on Bender pays 1000 dollars if he wins. Still, very few takers.
[George Foreman introduces his fat-draining grill]
George Foreman: With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth.
Suicide Booth: You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop and Drop, America's favorite Suicide Booth since 2008.
TV Advertisement: Bachelor Chow... now with flavor.
[Amy wants to take Leela out to cheer her up]
Amy: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes Conrad: The Federal Sex Bureau.
Bender: A saucy puppet show.
Dr. Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale.
Amy: Mmmmm... I'll pick.
[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]
Fry: Ok my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
Amy: I don't know, I've had cow.
Oscar Presenter: And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are...
[Fry, Bender, Zapp, and Kif have been captured by Amazons]
Fem-puter: After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death...
[everyone gasps]
Fem-puter: By snu-snu.
Fry, Captain Zapp Brannigan, Bender: Yeah. Woo-hoo.
[Kif starts sobbing]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [to Kif] What are you? Gay?
[at a shelter for homeless robots]
Reporter: Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there'd have to be a lot of them.
Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?
Professor: You wish. You're in Los Angeles.
Fry: But there was this gang of ten-year-olds with guns.
Leela: Exactly. You're in L.A.
Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.
Bender: That's L.A. for you.
Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilization whatsoever.
Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.
Fry: And the people are all phonies. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it...
[Bender and Fry in Benders apartment]
Bender: [while sleeping] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all hu...
Fry: [shakes him] Bender wake up.
Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: Listen, Bender, uh... where's your bathroom?
Bender: Bath-what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What room?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What what?
Fry: Aaah, never mind.
[Bender shuts himself down to sleep, Fry lies on the floor]
Bender: [while sleeping] Hey, sexy mama... Wanna kill all humans?
Fry: Now that you mention it I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.
Man: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?
Fry: Can't imagine why I would.
Man: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week.
[Fry is in a Captain Pike-style life-support machine]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Do you understand the charges?
Kif Kroker: One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
[Fry beeps once]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?
[Fry beeps twice]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Double yes. Guilty.
Walter Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Fry: Say it in Russian.
Walter Koenig: [groans] Ven we voke up, we had these wodies.
Fry: [delighted] Wheeee. Now say "nuclear wessels".
Walter Koenig: NO.
[while talking to the Beastie Boys]
God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money.
God: Yes, if he makes it look like an electrical thing. If you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then what?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
[Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand]
Fry: Yes?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.
Fry: Very impressive, back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Professor: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary uninhabitable wasteland much like Utah, but unlike Utah Mars was eventually made livable.
[Amy is trying to retrieve the keys to the spaceship, which have fallen into an arcade crane game]
Bender: Come on, it's just like making love. Y'know... left, down, rotate sixty-two degrees, engage rotor...
Amy Wong: I know how to make love.
Fry: All right. It's Saturday night, I have no date, a two-liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix-tape... Let's rock.
Professor: Excellent. This will give me a chance to try out my latest invention - these pressure pills.
[opens a bottle and a giant pill falls out]
Fry: Are you crazy? I cant swallow that.
Professor: Well, then good news. It's a suppository.
Leela: How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?
Bender: Only one way to find out...
Fry: So you have to choose between life without sex and a hideous, gruesome death?
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Man, tough call.
Al Gore: As I discuss in my book Earth in the Balance, and the more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of the Earth, we need to protect ourselves against the greenhouse effect and dark wizards.
Dark Wizard: Oh sure, blame the wizards.
Bender: Don't worry, I won't be too good or too evil again. From now on I'll just be me.
Leela: Do you think you be a little less evil than that?
Bender: I don't know. Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?
Fry: Do you take Visa?
Clerk: Visa has not existed in 300 years.
Fry: American Express?
Clerk: 600 years.
Fry: Discover Card?
Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't take Discover.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship across the universe. The ship stays in place and the engines move the universe around it.
Bender: That's a complete load!
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.
[Zapp Brannigan is briefing Fry, Leela, Bender and his crew on his plan to destroy an alien mothership]
Captain Zapp Brannigan:If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
[Kif groans]
Captain Zapp Brannigan:Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
[Fry raises his hand]
Fry: W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a - ?
[Bender starts to choke him à la Homer Simpson to Bart in "The Simpsons". His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes]
Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission.
[Bender's antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles]
Captain Zapp Brannigan:You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission.
Leela: “It’s amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.”
Zoidberg: “Love? That word is unknown here. I’m simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material.”
Fry: “You and me both, brother.”
Fry: “Well, thanks to the internet I’m now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?”
Bender: “Is the space-pope reptilian?”
Fry: “Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn’t her’s, it was her dad’s. Actually, she wasn’t my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.”
Leela: “Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a sentence earlier?”
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between your buttocks. That’s nature’s pocket.
Kids: See Toucan Sam’s death mask
Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That’s good to know.
Fry: There’s a lot about my face you don’t know.
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I’m going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can.
Professor: You’re going to do his laundry?