Andy Rooney was a humourist with a long running segment on the news
show "60 Minutes". Here are some of his thoughts.
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The
men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up
and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the
way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take
a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have
bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board
to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run,
they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They
have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I fast‑forwarded through the whole
thing.
Phone‑In‑Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say
"I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting
"I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say
"I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm
out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling....Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing
the love."