Alright, these are not completely tame, but mostly non-offensive.
A Nurse walks by a Doctor and says, "Hey Doc, How come you have a thermometer behind your ear?" The Doctor responds, "Darn, some patient has got my pen!"
Some old cattlemen were bragging about some of the long cattle drives they had been involved in during their lives. Each tale bettered the others until finally came the best of them all. "Well" bragged one old timer "I took part in a drive that took 400 head right from Texas to London, England!" There was a brief silence before one of the others asked "How did you get across the Atlantic?" Quick as lightening came the reply "Didn't go that way!"
Bathroom Philosophies:
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. (Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. (Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
Beauty is only a light switch away. (Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina)
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? (The Irish Times. Wash, DC)
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana)
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. (Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC)
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra (Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Ariz.)
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. (Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.)
Make love, not war. Hell...do both, get married! (Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana)
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
(The Tombs Restaurant, Wash, DC)
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. (Revolution Books. NY, NY)
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX)
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? (Men's room, American University, Wash, DC)
Express Lane: 5 beers or less. (Sign over the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoeniz, AZ)
No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign over mirror in Men's Restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA)
Curly (of the 3 stooges fame) is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oh, I finished the exam in half an hour." he says, "Now I am rechecking my answers."
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Jack Handey
Jack Handey is a television comedy writer, who spent eight seasons at "Saturday Night Live" on NBC. He's written for magazines such as: "The New Yorker", "Punch", "National Lampoon", "Omni" and has won both an Emmy Award and a Writer's Guild of America Award. He currently lives in Manhattan with his wife Marta and their three cats, Toonces, Spunky and Little Girl.
Deep Thoughts
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned‑out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned
down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it
was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real
Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
At first I thought a good way to get people to dig you some flower
beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some
bodies in your back yard. But here's the catch: They dig
everywhere, not just where you tell them to.
When you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a
puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to
school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late.
So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him
again.
Normally I don't believe in miracles, but something happened when
I was about seven years old I still can't explain. I was on the front
porch with Grandpa, about to eat my Twinkies, when Grandpa
started grabbing his chest and saying he was having a heart attack. I
ran to get Mom, but when I got back, Grandpa was okay. "An
angel helped me," he said. "Also, he ate your Twinkies."
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him
it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I
bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you
know what I've left on the porch? A jack‑o‑lantern with a knife
stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that
I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that
man."
‑ Jack Handey, Saturday Night Live Writer
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15
were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water
riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age14
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the
closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15
Here's my favorites recipe for fruit cake.
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
The Ig Nobel Prizes are annual awards. This one was summarized from December 1994 Scientific American but you can read the list of awards from each year online.
1,200 spectators jammed into M.I.T.'s Kresage Auditorium to witness the "Fourth First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony." The Ig Nobel Prizes, named for the "legendary Ignatius 'Ig' Nobel, co-inventor of soda-pop," are awarded to real people "whose achievements cannot or should not be reproduced." They are a joint production of the Annals of Improbably Research and the M.I.T. Museum.
The awards were interrupted periodically for Heisenberg Certainty Lectures. The certainty: no lecture lasts more than 30 seconds, or a black-clad referee whistles the speaker off the stage. One of the lectures was: "The following statement of the Heisenberg Certainty Principle is dedicated to the U.S. Congress: If your position is everywhere, your momentum is zero."
The Igs:
Biology: Awarded to the authors of "The Constipated Serviceman: Prevalence
among Deployed U.S. Troups" which appeared in Military Medicine in 1993.
Medicine: Patient X, who refused to be named, was awarded the Ig for his attempt to use electroshock to neutralize venom after he had been bitten by his pet rattlesnake. The juice came from a car engine revved to 3,000 rpm for five minutes. It was applied through sparkplug wires attached to Patient X's lip. X shared the award with the authors of a medical report of the incident, "Failure of Electric Shock Treatment for Rattlesnake
Envenomation." One of the co-authors stated: "I was stunned to received the 1994 Ig Nobel Prize in Medicine, although not as shocked as our patient."
Entomology: Veterinarian Robert A. Lopez received his Ig for his brave and successful attempts to find out whether ear mites from cats can inflict damage on humans. He did this by inserting mites into his own ears not once, not twice, but three times.
Chemistry: This Ig was given to former Texas state senator Bob Glasgow for his sponsorship of a 1989 drug-control law that would make it illegal to purchase laboratory glassware without a permit. Rather than a total ban on glassware, Tim Mitchell, a representative of Corning, suggested a "five-day cooling-off period." He admitted, however, that beakers and test tubes can start a habit that might leave one "strung out, begging for grant money."
Mathematics: Awarded to the Southern Baptist Church of Alabama for "their county-by-county estimate of how many Alabama citizens will go to hell if they don't repent." The Honorable Terje Korsnes, consul of Norway, accepted the Ig on behalf of the people of Hell, a little town in Norway. "We have a special place in Hell for all of you," Kornes said.
Psychology: Lee Kuan Yew, former prime minister of Singapore, received this Ig for his 30-year study of the effects of negative reinforement. Namely, the punishing of the citizens of Singapore "whenever they spat, chewed gum, or fed pigeons."
Physics: Awarded to the Japanese Meteorological Agency "for its seven-year study of whether earthquakes are caused by catfish wiggling their tails."
Literature: Awarded to L. Ron Hubbard "for his crackling Good Book, Dianetics, which is highly profitable to mankind, or to a portion thereof."
Peace: Awarded to John Hagelin of Maharishi International University and the Institute of Science, Technology, and Public Pology. Winner of the Ig Nobel Peace Prize "for his experimental conclusion that 4,000 trained mediators caused an 18 percent decrease in violent crime in Washington, D.C."
Economics: Awarded to Juan Pablo Davila, former employee of the state-owned
company Coldelco. Davila's Ig was awarded for instructing his computer to "buy" when he meant "sell." The ultimate consequence was the loss of 0.5 percent of the gross national product. In Chile "davilar" is now a verb meaning "to botch things up royally."
Some thoughts on Jesus and Elvis:
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception
High School.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
This guy walks into a bar and sees a large clear barrel almost full with $100 dollar bills. Above it on the wall there is a sign that says "contest, see bartender for details." The man, interested in the contest immediately goes to the
bartender asks about the contest. "So, What's up with the contest," the man said. "Give me a hundred dollar bill, and you do three things in the order that I tell, and if you finish all of them then you win the whole barrel of $100 dollar bills" said the bartender.
The man, very interested in the contest said yes. "The first thing you have to do is knock that guy on the stool over there square on his ass with a punch, the second thing you have to do is remove an abscessed (screwed up) tooth from a bear in a cage out in the alley, the third thing you have to do is give a 70 year old women an orgasm." So the man walks over to the guy and punches him square on the chin knocking him on his ass and out cold. The man then went out in the alley to remove the tooth from the bear. A couple minutes later, in the bar, all you could hear was the guy screaming in the alley, and then the bear would let out one big growl. After about a good 10 minutes of this, you hear one big growl let out by the bear, and then immediately, you hear the man let out a fatal scream as if he was dying. "Looks like another one," said the bartender to a regular in the bar.
Right after he said this, the alley door flung open and the man appeared with a torn up shirt and half ripped pants with a couple scratches across his body. The man very surprised at the mood of everyone was in, said "Where's the 70 year old women with the abscessed tooth?"
A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"
Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches
these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "Your right Leroy, that hind‑lick maneuver works like a charm".
Two little boys were watching a dog clean himself. They watched him for quite awhile until finally one of the boys said "I wish I could do that?" The other little boy said "He'd bite you!"
There was this 78 year old lady in Florida who wanted to work for one of those topless restaurants. Of course, none of them would hire her, so she sued. She won and they had to hire her. But the manager fired her on her first day on
the job. Yeah. Seems she came to work in a wrinkled uniform...
Two old fellows with Alzheimers disease are sitting in a room. The first fellow gets up, heads for the door, then stops. Scratching his head he states he forgot where he was going and returns to his seat. A few moments later the other gent gets up and is heading for the door.
The other gent asks "Where are you going?"
The first gent replies "I going out for an ice‑cream".
The second gent asks "Will you get me one as well?"
The first gent replies in the affirmative.
The second gent then states "How about an ice‑cream on a sugar cone? You won't forget will you?"
The first gent says "No, you want an ice‑cream on a sugar cone." The gent then goes out the door.
After about 20 minutes the door opens, the first gent walks in and hand the second gent a bag stating "here's your hamburger."
The second gent replies "Forget the burger, where's my fries?"
This man is walking along a country road, when he sees this car coming down the road. The car runs over a rabbit in the road. The driver stops the car, gets out, and looks at the rabbit. The man who was walking along the road says "You're not just going to leave that there, are you?"
The driver goes to the trunk of his car and pulls out an aerosol can and sprays its contents on the dead rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet down the road, turns around, and waves. It hops another ten feet down the road, turns around and waves. It does this until it disappears from sight. The driver of the car tosses the aerosol can to the side of the road, gets in his car, and drives away. The man who had been walking down the side of the road was astounded. He ran to the side of the road and picked up the can and read the label, which said : "For hare restoration, and permanent wave."
Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would have ducked.
Elevator fun
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers
3.Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
7.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
8.Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
9.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now
10.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
11.Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
12.Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
13.Say "Ding!" at each floor.
14.Lean against the button panel.
16.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
17.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
18.Wear "X‑Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Did you know...
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
From my brain, an organ with a mind of it's own.
A Smith & Wesson ALWAYS beats 4 Aces.
A big enough hammer fixes anything.
A bird in the hand can be messy.
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $1000.
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power
All life's answers are on TV. ‑ Bart Simpson
Always glad to share my ignorance ‑ I've got plenty.
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit.
Armageddon means never having to say you're sorry.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
Bigamy : one wife too many. Monogamy : same thing
Black Holes are Out of Sight.
Black holes really suck...
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Bullets speak louder than reason.
Bumper sticker on a hearse: I'd rather be breathing.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
Busier than a 1 legged man in an butt‑kicking contest.
But honey, we can afford it, I sold your car!
But then again, I like cold toilet seats.
Buy a supscription to Playboy and send it to your boss' wife.
CAUTION: rider may bail at any time.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
CONgress ‑ Opposite of PROgress
California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected.
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Caution: Hungry Dieter May bite if provoked.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Chess players mate better.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Clones are people two.
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
Committees keep minutes and lose hours.
Confucius say: I didn't say that!
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
D.A.M.M ‑ Drunks Against Mad Mothers
Daddy, what does "Formatting Drive C:" mean?
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death sneaks up on you as a windshield sneaks up on a bug.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Dinner Not Ready...(A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my
grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high...
Famous last words ‑ You and what army?
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
Fer sell cheep: IBM spel chekker. Wurks grate.
Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Gargle twice daily ‑ see if your neck leaks.
Go shopping. Buy Stuff. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Graduate Of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon
School of hair styling.
Guns don't kill people..., I kill people!
Happiness is a warm gun.
Have cursor, will curse.
Help fight continental drift.
Hi! I can't remember your name either.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
I Still miss my ex‑wife.....BUT, My aim is improving!
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the
reindeer off my roof!
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it just seems that way.
Man getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday. All his friends get together and send him a woman. She knocks at his door and he answers it to find every mans dream girl. She says to him ‑ I'm here to give you supersex. He says to the young lady ‑ thanks for coming over young lady but I think it will have to be the soup!
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grammy. Goodby Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father hear his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. GoodBye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more that a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
Jack & Jill were on their way home from the Bar one night and Jack got pulled over by the police. The officer told Jack that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. Jack said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away." Just then Jill said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for Jack's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again Jack apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jill said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time Jack is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer and he said in a rather loud voice, "#$&% Jill, will you SHUT UP!" The officer then leaned over toward Jill and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?" Jill replied, "ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK."
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50‑yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Q: What did George Washington say to his men before they got into the boat to cross the Potomac River?
A: Men .... get in the boat.
70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally, are you at peace with yourself, do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! ... the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! ... the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! ... the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! ... the light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Damm Fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!
"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.
As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet,the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds. "The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.
"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to have you."
Did you know...
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...
Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked Into jet engines!
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.
It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Killer Rabbit's Motto: "Lettuce Prey."
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
M.A.D.D.: Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
Must Go ‑ My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
My fallacies are more logical than your fallacies.
My head is sore, and there's a hole in the brick wall!
Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?
Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.
Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires!"
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers‑in‑law.
Some crime really does take care of itself:
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written
in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the
Latin):
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his
examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started
his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover that they are all female. He immediately calls Farmer Jones to ask if he can bring them over to mate with Farmer Jones' male pigs.
"Sure," says Farmer Jones.
Farmer Brown gathers his twelve pigs and loads them into the truck. When they get to the Jones' farm, the pigs jump out and spend the rest of the day mating with the males. Before he leaves, Farmer Brown says. "By the way, I've never had pigs before. How will I know if they're pregnant?"
"Well," says Farmer Jones, "Look for signs of unusual behavior. That's usually how you know."
The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out his window and sees nothing unusual. So he loads the pigs up and brings them to the Jones' farm again.
The following morning, the pigs are still behaving normally, so once again he takes them to the Jones' farm.
The next morning he feels too discouraged to look out the window. "Honey," he says to his wife, "would you mind telling me if our pigs are doing anything unusual?"
"Well," she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck, and the twelfth one's honking the horn."
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window
that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account
with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of
Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved. The teller
seemed to think that this was a reasonable request, and after opening the paper
bag and seeing bundles of $100 bills which amount to about $3 million,
telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the
lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office,
introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people
she did business with on a more personal level. The Bank president then asked
her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied, "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank
president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on
her bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day the bank
president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no
chances ----- there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure
that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he
always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00
humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day -- how often do
you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 sharp the little old lady was
shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the
man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and
that she always took him along whenever there was this much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She
instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough
everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer
standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's
wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him?" she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.
Golf is a game in which a ball one & One-half inches in diameter is placed on a ball 6,000 miles in diameter. The object is to hit the small one, but not the larger one.
A LESSON IN GOLF
My wife said to me, "It's about time that you learned to play golf." You know golf, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kind of hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow," he said, "and we'll tee off."
"What is 'tee off?'" I asked.
He said it's a golf term, and we have to tee off in front of the club house. "Not me," I said, "You can tee off there if you want to,
but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no," he said, "A tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah I've got one of those."
"Well," he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
I asked, "Do you sit down to play golf? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do," he said. "You are standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I though that was stretching things too far, and I said so.
He asked, "You've got a bag, haven't you?"
"Sure," I said.
"Your balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well," he said, "Can't you open the bag and take one out?"
I said "I suppose I could but damned if I was going to."
He then asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him no.
"I'm the old fashioned type."
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well after fifty years I should have some sort of idea, and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands ---"
Folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.
"Then you swing it over your shoulder."
"No, no, that's not me, that's my brother your thinking about."
He asked me, "How do you hold your club?"
Before I thought I said, "In two fingers."
He said that was not right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there---I didn't put in four years on board ship in the navy for nothing!
He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar."
I said I could well imagine!
Then he said, "And then you're on the green."
"Sure your not color blind?"
I asked. "No----then take your putter."
"What's a putter?" I asked.
"That's the smallest club made," he replied.
"That's what I've got, a putter."
"And with it," he continued, "You put your ball in the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
He said "The ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter."
Well I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon!
"Then," he said, "After you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen."
He wasn't talking to me! After two holes I'm shot to hell!
"You mean," he said, "You can't make eighteen holes in one day?"
"Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole. Besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?"
He said, "The flag will go up."
That would be just my luck!!!!
The Fudd at night (sing in the voice of Elmer Fudd)
In the dead of night
A kiwwing wight
The gweam of a bwade
And the devil is paid
When the axe comes down
A chiwwing sound
The steel hits the head
Another wabbit's dead!
I'm a wabbit swayer
A guitar pwayer
I'm a wabbit swayer
With a nasty habit
I’ve got to Kill that wabbit!
Two shell are woaded
My poor bald head is goaded
In the bwack of the night
A puffy tale in my sight
With a thunderous sound
That wabbit goes down
I'm a wabbit swayer
A guitar pwayer
I'm a wabbit swayer
With a nasty habit
I’ve got to Kill that wabbit!
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
A man and his wife are visiting Mexico and go to a local restaurant for dinner. They can't seem to decide on what to have so they spend a lot of time looking over the menu. While they are looking, they hear a trumpet fanfare, and out of the kitchen comes the cook with a big platter. He is accompanied by two or three waiters and with much ceremony, they place the platter on the next table and uncover it to reveal two rather large rounded pieces of meat surrounded by vegetables and lots of garnish.
The man and wife ask their waiter what that was all about and the waiter explains that the next table was just served the house specialty - the testicles of the bull from the day's bullfight.
The man and his wife ask for the same dish and the waiter explains that there is only one bullfight per day so they can't have that dish tonight. However, they could be the persons of honor tomorrow night and that makes the couple happy.
They return the next day and await the feast. There is the trumpet fanfare, and the big procession and all the hoop-de-do and they set the platter down and uncover it only to reveal two rather small morsels.
The man asks the waiter, "What gives - yesterday's were so much larger?"
To which the waiter replies, "Well senor, you must understand, some days the bull wins..."
A gynecologist decided that he wanted to change occupations and become an auto mechanic. So he goes to an auto mechanic school. After years of training, it came time for the final exam.
He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score he received - 200%! So, he goes to talk to the instructor.
The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler.
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, " I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through. " He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, " Small World! "
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match. The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an
opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last
moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. "I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.
Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other, and then looked at the man and said "sure."
So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said "no really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like."
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger said "sure."
So the man looked for a second and said "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right between his legs, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."
The Birth of a Candy Bar
One Payday, Mr. Peanut wanted Bit O' Honey, so he Zero'ed in on Miss
Hershey behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue.
He felt her Mounds and it was pure Almond Joy. He made her Tootsie Roll.
He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and created
a Milky Way. In a fit of passion, she screamed O'Henry! But he reminded
her once again that he was Mr. Peanut. She then moaned as she fondled his
Zagnuts and told him that he was better than the Three Musketeers. In 9
months she became a little Chunky, and gave birth to a Baby Ruth.
ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked
in the head like this before.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.
ON YOUTH
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
resemble a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at
the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be
thrown with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire
was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful
termination of their C programs.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find
a rock.
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and
UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
- A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground
post via an iron chain and collar.
- The dog was receiving a 90 volt signalling current.
- After several such jolts, the dog would start barking
and urinating on the ground.
- The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone
would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply."
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
Later, while standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies,
"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN !"
The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie !"
The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"
he Irish man jumped up yelling "Run laddie! Run laddie !"
The third batter got up got ball 1...ball 2...ball 3...ball 4.....The umpire yelled "Take your base !" The batter jogged to the base. The Irish man jumped up and yelled "Run laddie! Run
laddie !"
Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, he has 4 balls!"
The Irish man's jaw dropped, and turned and said, "Walk with pride, lad! Walk with pride
A seaman meets a pirate, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Ar, well...," said the pirate, "... it was me first day with the hook..."
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Money can't buy happiness But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math..
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly
embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And
for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Three strings walked into a bar, walked up to the bar tender and said I need three beers! The bar tender pointed to the sign above the bar which read "NO STRINGS ALLOWED"!
So the strings went back outside the first string said I have an idea, so he tied himself into a knot and frayed himself on the ends. He walked back in and asked the bartender for three beers to go, the bar tender said hey are'nt you one of those
strings that just came in here?
The string said "I'm a frayed knot"
These two cowboys where out riding the range for a few weeks, they were about three days from town when they came a crossed this sheep with his head stuck in the fence.
The first cowboy says "I don't think I can hold it any longer" so he runs over and does his thing with the sheep. On his way back he says to his partner, "hey you want some of that?".
His partner says "sure" so he gets off his horse runs over and sticks his head in the fence.
A woman gets on a bus, as she passes the driver he grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The woman starts crying and hits the driver with her purse.
A few minutes later the buzzer goes off and the lady passes the driver as she is getting off the bus. The driver again grabs his throat and makes choking noises.
The lady starts crying and again hits the driver with her purse.
A passenger sitting behind the driver whose curiosity has gotten the better of him asked the driver, "what is that all about?"
The driver replies, "Oh, her daughter hung herself last night and I'm just teasing her"
If a mute swears, does his mother threaten to wash his hands with soap?
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts -- though still silent --really stink terribly."
The doctor replied, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip, she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know, Grandma, it's like on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
Ghandi was a very humble man who walked everywhere in bare feet. Gradually the soles of his feet became sore, cracked and hard. He ate a very poor diet and went on hunger strike a lot, making him thin and giving him terrible bad breath. But through it all he remained very spiritual. So, towards the end of his life he inevitably became known as "a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis"
A Guy wakes up in the emergency room, and the nurse asks what happened.
"Well, he replied," I was playing golf with my wife. I'd been having a great game but unfortunately she wasn't. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that left the course and landed in a pasture field. We both went looking for the ball, and just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white shining in a cow's ass. I lifted the tail to make sure, and then called to my wife. I said, 'Here, honey, this looks like yours. ' That's the last thing I remember."
Bill Montgomery was an avid golfer. He was playing in a foursome with Ben, Cal and Dave. Bill had just hit his tee shot on the 15th hole, when a funeral procession went by on the road running parallel to the fairway. Bill, who had begun walking up the fairway, stopped suddenly, bowed his head, and began crying silently.
The other men stopped, transfixed. As the funeral procession disappeared over the hill, Bill again started walking towards the green. The others joined him, and Ben said, "I've never seen anyone so moved by a funeral procession."
To which Bill replied, "Well, she was a very good wife." And continued up the fairway.
Top Ten Worst Musical Crossovers
- Industrial Christian Rock
- Gansta Country
- Grunge Disco
- Classical Thrash
- Doo‑wop Rap
- Speed Gospel
- Soft Metal
- Polka Blues
- Techno‑Death Mamba
- New Age Opera
Armageddon
When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?
USA Today
WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Inquirer
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria Secret Catalog
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated
GAME OVER
Wired
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
America Online
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN
15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything ‑‑‑ meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
This Has Been Spell Checked
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
The difference between bathing suits now and then are that the bathing suits from the past required that you open the suit to see the butt. The bathing suits of today require that you open the butt to see the suit.
A little boy asked his mom how old she is and she said "You don't ask a woman questions like that".
So he asked her how much she weighed and she said "You never ask a woman questions like that."
So he asked her why her and his father got divorced and she said "That's a complex answer and I don't have time right now to discuss it".
Well the little boy went to school and was telling his friends what happened and one of them said, "You can get that information from her driver's license".
So the boy went home and looked at her license.
He went to her and said "I know you are 33 years old." and she said
"That's right"
And he said "You weigh 145 pounds" and she said "That's right"
And he said "you're also 5 feet five" and she said "That's right"
And he said "I known why you and dad got divorced" and she said "Why?"
And he said "You got an 'F' in sex".
No more rejections. Simple forms ends rejections once and for all.
December 10, 1995
Mr./Ms. Editor
Noname Publishing Company
12345 Sixth Street, Suite 7
New York, NY 10001
Dear Editor,
Thank for your letter of December 1. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a contract for my book, _THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Noname's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting manuscripts, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will expect your contract by return mail. We will negotiate the details at that time. I look forward to
working with your company.
Best of luck in rejecting future manuscripts.
If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord:
- My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
- Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
- I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
- When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".
- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
- I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
- I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
- I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
- All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
- My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
- I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
- I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
The Chili Cook-Off
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the orignal person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
AL: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE 1: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
AL: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous "Burn Down the Barn" Chili
JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
AL: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally". Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift".
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE 2: A hint of line in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
AL: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled---it's kinda cute.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
JUDGE 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
AL: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
AL: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers
JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
AL: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili #8: Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE 1: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE 2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
AL: Momma?
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."
Stupidity On Lake Isabella
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 04‑26‑199
A True Story, if she had killed herself she'd be a shoe‑in for the Darwin Award.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22‑ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
BREAD
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid,
yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
- Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
- Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
- Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
bread-pudding person.
- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
- Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics we propose the following bread restrictions:
- No sale of bread to minors.
- A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
SUBJ: Great MacGyver Cookie Recipe
Contributed to HumourNet by Randy Cassingham
The MacGyver Cookbook
Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff myself for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this cookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I make 'em in my own kitchen at home.
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:
Frequent flier coupons
One medium paperclip (not plastic coated)
One movie ticket stub
Now remember that chocolate‑chip cookies are supposed to be a nice relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to make them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax. Ecuador is good, so use your frequent‑flier coupons to pick up a round‑trip ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those for the cookies.
You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador to try to find her father ‑‑ a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles in archaeology as a hobby ‑‑ who went down there to find the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him a wealth of powerful but somewhat failure‑prone magical devices that, according to the priests of the day, were pretty darn
all‑around nifty.
Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did
actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveller with comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other devices from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to save the little packets of salt and butter that come with your meal ‑‑ the woman next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so you'll want to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her
crackers too.
When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of the airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some reason, so you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when you look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp something about "be careful of the poison ivy" and expire messily on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe waiting for a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside ‑‑ on the way, though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a half‑pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with
the chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, "On the house."
At this point, speed is of the essence ‑‑ get back outside the concourse before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well, you'll both be out of the parking lot and on your way before he has time to squeeze off more than one shot ‑‑ and he'll miss on the first one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just another vehicle backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to let you stay in her hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the
bank first to take care of a little business. While she's talking with the bank representative, you casually wander back to the safety deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll find a fair‑sized paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking soda and a large bottle of calamine lotion; take this along with
the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit box. Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.
Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold the piece of paper ‑‑ it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and
exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's pretty straightforward ‑‑ just trek through the jungle with her for a few days, evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend down a long pole into its depths, and locate the treasure room.
There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two
cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs from the next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and two‑and‑a‑half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well,
add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from the bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and place by swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up against the back of the idol.
Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to lick the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch held in the idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding sound as the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers' lab slides out of the way and you'll see her father chained to a lab table being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're having a beautiful and happy reunion, pick up a strange device from the outer room and bring it into the lab where there's better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie sheet too and set them next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and her father will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained while you note that the device in question is clearly of
extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some sort of highly powerful laser cutting device ‑‑ except that it shows signs of being dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front partial mirror.
Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to one quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect the high‑voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him stand back while you use the high‑powered laser to cut through the
chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the other side of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your presence. They'll burst into the room and one will fire a pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on
and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area ‑‑ the cookies in particular ‑‑ with high‑energy radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the temple for a while and, just after the second brief romantic moment where you kiss her and think, "Gosh, for someone who's been running around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week,
her hair's not greasy at all," the cookies should be done.
Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that the cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to explode, and run to the outer room where the three of you scale the pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole, causing them to fall back into the temple as you and your companions escape into the jungle depths just moments before the entire secret
temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation along with all the extraterrestrial artifacts.
By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it the plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive.
Anyway, this is the best chocolate‑chip cookie recipe I've ever tried ‑‑ I've made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad batch yet.
********************************************************************
Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :‑)
********************************************************************
Tale Of The Sandwich Trailer
Here's the background:
Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH. (The University of New Hampshire) Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, according to Ian, this actually happened.
Ian is telling the story.
Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?
Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Me: Is there more milk or coffee?
Her: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.
Her: Just the usual amount of milk.
Me: A coffee with milk.
Her: Yes.
Me: Anything else?
Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
Me: We do have decaf.
Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.
Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.
Her: Yes it does.
Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.
Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?
Her: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie: (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.
Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee.
Her: Do you take credit cards?
Me: No ma'am, cash only.
Her: What about visa?
Me: Is that a credit card?
Her: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?
Her: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.
Her: What about checks?
Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else.
Her: O.K.
Her: How much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.
Her: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.
Her: O.K. (proceeds to write a check)
Vinnie: Please leave.
Her: Why?
Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.
Her: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.
She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. Seriously.
There are certain things that should automatically tip off any film maker that the movie they are about to make shouldn't be made. We have compiled a list of some of these sure‑fire tip‑offs in the form of an exam. We think all film makers should be required to take this exam before beginning work on a movie. Answering yes to any one question results in failure of the test and means that the current project should die immediately.
The Exam
1.Have you hired a professional wrestler to act in a starring role?
4.Are you shamelessly ripping off another movie that recently made a bundle?
5.Does your movie star any "Saturday Night Live" alumni?
6.Does the name of your movie end in roman numerals?
7.Does your movie contain Demi Moore's breasts?
8.Is the special effects budget of your movie more than the GNP of third world nations?
9.Does your movie have a scene wherein the stars outrun a nuclear explosion?
10.Are you making this movie for the sole purpose of competing with another studio's similarly‑themed movie?
11.Does your movie contain any cute, fuzzy little creatures, or any other easily merchandised feature?
12.If your name is Kevin McClory, are you trying to make yet another remake of Thunderball?
13.Does your movie insist on calling strippers "dancers"?
14.Would your movie be found on the same shelf in the video store as The Slumber Party Massacre II?
15.Is the title of your movie prefixed with a credit, as in, Bram Stoker's Dracula? (You may skip this question if you are Alfred Hitchcock. But if you are Alfred Hitchcock, you shouldn't be taking this test, as you are dead.)
16.Does Kevin Costner have anything to do with your movie?
17.How about Keanu Reeves?
18.Regardless of whether they have anything to do with your movie, do you think Kevin Costner and/or Keanu Reeves are good actors?
19.Is your movie a comedy featuring less sophisticated humor than that found on America's Funniest Home Videos?
20.If you are a post‑Home Alone John Hughes, did you gloss over the previous question?
21.Will your movie be third or more in a string of similar movies all coming out around the same time?
22.Are you basing your movie on a novel without having actually read said novel?
23.Have you watched Showgirls more than once? (You may skip this question if successive viewings were made using judicious use of the fast‑forward button to get to the nude scenes.)
26.Is the movie you're making completely indistinguishable from one you have made before?
28.Would you describe The Seven Samurai as "a good yarn"?
29.Would you describe Speed 2: Cruise Control as "a thought‑provoking commentary on the human condition"?
30.Is your movie about aliens whose sole purpose in life is to eat humans?
31.Does the script have more than three supposedly humorous "one‑liners"?
33.Does your movie have anything to do with cold fusion?
34.Does the title of your movie contain any of the words "Fatal," "Passion," "Forbidden," "Obsession," or "Desires"?
35.How about "Meets" or "Versus"?
36.Is your movie based on a video game?
37.Is your name Joe Eszterhas?
38.Would Cinemax be willing to broadcast your movie on Friday night between midnight and 2am?
39.Would USA be willing to broadcast your movie at any time?
40.Have you hired science consultants for your science fiction movie and blissfully ignored their suggestions?
41.Have you hired military consultants for your war movie and blissfully ignored their suggestions?
42.Is the average length of the lines in the script three or fewer words?
43.More than 150?
44.Does the film feature a character best described as a "hip techno‑geek with an attitude"?
45.How about one best described as "a sarcastic kid who throws temper tantrums while the adults hang their heads in sorrow"?
46.How about one best described as "a Batman sidekick"?
47.Does the script require the cast to run away from stuff more often than walk or stand still?
48.Did the auditions require disrobing?
49.Are you making a movie based on a popular television series?
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. ‑‑ Churchill
A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray ‑‑ twice.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. ‑‑ Foghorn Leghorn
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
Couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
Couldn't get laid if he crawled up a chicken's rear end and waited his turn.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
Goalie for the dart team.
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
Solid concrete from the eyebrows back.
Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
Talks to plants on their own level.
The perfect personality to write software manuals.
The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. ‑‑ Woody Allen
Three divine miracles shy of being where he thinks he's at.
Uglier than a hat full of assholes.
Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
Understands English as well as any parrot.
Useful as a football bat.
Useful as a mint‑flavored suppository.
Useful as dinosaur repellent.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.
Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
Wise as the world is flat.
Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care
By David Lubar
- What does HMO stand for?
- This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was
poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical
finger poke with hi‑tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral
slips, but the result remains the same.
- Do all diagnostic procedures require pre‑certification?
- No. Only those you need.
- I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
- Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
These doctors basically fall into two categories ‑‑ those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer part of the plan. But don't worry ‑‑ the remaining doctor who
is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
half day's drive away!
- What are pre‑existing conditions?
- This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to
be pre‑stuck with it.
- Well, can I get coverage for my pre‑existing conditions?
- Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
- What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
- You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
- My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
- Poke yourself in the eye.
- I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly
cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out‑patient surgery,
but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
- You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement
check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in
one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about,
like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
- What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
- Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
- No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
- You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing
your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and
then get sick.
- I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his office?
- Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
co‑payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
And here is Broadway‑type joke of the issue:
Title: You know you live in San Francisco when . . .
Your co‑worker tells you they have eight body piercings ‑ and none are visible.
When someone says TENDERLOIN ‑ you don't think steak. You think danger.
You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.
You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California State Flags.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay,
The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.
Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call and ask do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?
You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest.
You can't remember...Is pot still illegal?
You go to your office manager's baby shower ‑ the parent's are named Judy and Becky.
You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper sticker‑and you mean it.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.
A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV ‑ the guys are much hotter!
You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.
A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don't notice.
You still can't believe a company doesn't offer domestic partner benefits.
You curse those damn tourists ‑but always stop to help a cute guy or gal who is looking puzzled at a city map.
When you drive under an underpass ‑ for one moment you think "earthquake".
Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers" ... it's the first time you have seen him nude.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".
You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to the bay.
You are thinking of taking an adult ed class ‑ but you can't decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.
Your new neighbor goes to temple‑but you are still not sure if they are Jewish or Buddhist.
You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.
Federal Aviation Administration
Washington, D.C.
Gentlemen:
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events
that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that
very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me
I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're
giving me my full‑fledged pilot's license. You should watch that
fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite
nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed.
But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and
visibility and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another
exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty
proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbour to go
with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles
away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served
absolutely wonderful charbroiled steaks and the greatest martinis.
On the way to the airport my neighbour was a little concerned
about the weather, but I assured him once again about the steaks
and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much
happier.
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped,
as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would.
There were only a few snowflakes. I checked the weather and I was
assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I
talked to the local operator, I found out that my regular airplane,
a Piper J‑3 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my
disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line
boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately
saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he
called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn't have a tail
wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes,
it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I
don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary
to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an
airplane. That's ridiculous. I never saw so many dials and
needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know,
onfidentially, they have simplified this in the J‑3 Cub. I
forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people
were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec, they said
it was all right to go direct via Victor‑435, a local
superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot of credit.
They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems
with red tape.
The take‑off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern
just the way the book says it should be done. The tower operator
told me to contact Departure Control Radar, but that seemed kind
of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been
some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline
pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that
I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those professionals
would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little
flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435
was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the
town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on
up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by
now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a
bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbour undoubtedly wanted to
see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but
everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to
make the best of it, don't we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to
be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there
wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite
easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils
fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while, but these phenomena
sometimes occur, I am told. I don't expect you to believe this,
but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That
was pretty funny and I asked my neighbor to look but he just kept
staring straight ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes and
I figured that he was afraid of heights like all non‑pilots are.
By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept
winding and unwinding all the time.
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we
were going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a
whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it
since when I came down to look for the airport, there wasn't
anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had
been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling
of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this
business except yourself, right? Why, there were even
thunderstorms going on with occasional bolts of lightning. I
decided that my neighbour should see how beautiful it was and the
way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was
asleep, having gotten over his fear of heights, and I didn't want
to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because
the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read
the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I
just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This
business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one
quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes
should have two engines. You might look into this.
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It
was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp
eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbour was asleep
because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been
for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate.
Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the
windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you
can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than
driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I
knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were
already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It
was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I
could already see a lot of coloured lights flashing in the control
tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that
you could always talk to these military people on the
international emergency frequency, so I tried it but you wouldn't
believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be
straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain as a
taxpayer. Evidently, they were expecting somebody to come in and
land because they kept talking about some stupid SOB up in that
fog. I wanted to be helpful, so I landed on the ramp to be out of
the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of
people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that
they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some general
with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried
to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the
tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his
face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.
Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the
weather really got bad, but my neighbour stayed at the hospital
there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake.
Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new
license airmail, special delivery.
Very truly yours,
Do-it-yourself Country Song
Ever notice how so many country songs are strikingly similar? Perhaps they're draw from the same pool of ideas. Below you'll find a pre-fabricated, plug-and-play country song. Just pick your parts and add them in. Try random selections for truly interesting versions.
I met her __________ ___________; I can still recall _________ she wore;
(1) (2) (3)
- 2. 3.
on the highway in September that purple dress
in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito with her father the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts
She was ______ _____,
(4) (5)
- 5
sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
doing a slow dance near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu
and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
(6) (7) (8)
- 7. 8.
no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her
that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her
it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash
we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate
She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
(9) (10)
- 10.
our love would never die run off
there was no other guy wind up
man wasn't meant to fly boogie
that Nixon didn't lie yodel
her basset hound was shy sky dive
that Rolaids made her high turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye freak out
she loved my one blue eye blast off
her brother's name was Hy make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out
that birthdays made her cry bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie grovel
___________; _________ goodbye.
(11) (12)
- 12.
with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked
Family Feud Answers
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on that
wonderful quiz show Family Feud.
Name something a blind person might use ‑ A sword
Name a song with moon in the title ‑ Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck ‑ Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch ‑ A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister ‑ Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race ‑ The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers ‑ A horse
Name something that floats in the bath ‑ Water
Name something you wear on the beach ‑ A deckchair
Name something Red ‑ My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy ‑ Buck Rogers
A number you have to memorize ‑ 7
Something you do before going to bed ‑ Sleep
Something you put on walls ‑ Roofs
Something in the garden that's green ‑ Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine ‑ A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to ‑ Skiing
Name a famous bridge ‑ The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does ‑ Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom ‑ Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo ‑ A dog
Something associated with the police ‑ Pigs
A sign of the zodiac ‑ April
Something slippery ‑ A con man
A kind of ache ‑ Fillet 'O' Fish
A jacket potato topping ‑ Jam
A famous Scotsman ‑ Jock
Another famous Scotsman ‑ Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it ‑ Window
A non living object with legs ‑ Plant
A domestic animal ‑ Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' ‑ Knee
Something you open other than a door ‑ Your Bowels
Little johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom and closes the door.
- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- Ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- Now take off my bra...
which he does.
- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
And when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more|"