The jokes in this section range from I guess that could offend somebody too I can't believe anybody would write that. Fair warning.
Did you know...
"Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out!
Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?
I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV
"I'm not smart enough to lie" ‑ Ronald Reagan
If I knew what I was doing...I'd be dangerous...
"Instant gratification takes too long." ‑ Carrie Fisher
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, ... like wild dogs.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
Four hours to bury a cat? Yup, it wouldn't keep still
KARAOKE is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"
Some days you're the dog, some days you're hydrant.
If it ain't broke, fix it anyway just to screw it up!
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working
with subatomic particles.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK ...
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Your mama's so fat, that after sex, she rolls over and smokes a ham
Q: What did they say to the woman who won the beauty pageant in Kentucky?
A: "Smile and show your tooth"
Q: What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish Man?
A: The Rolling Stones Said ,"Hey you get off of my cloud". And the Scottish man said "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe".
Q: What is long and green and smells like pig?
A: Kermits finger.
Q: What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A: A Hobo is lonely, and a Homo has friends up the ass.
Q: What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs.
Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a goat?
A: One mucks up fountains.
Q: why is a woman like a parking space?
A: because all the good ones are taken, the only free ones are handicapped, and once you get one you have to keep feeding money into it.
Q: What's the best way to eat a frog?
A: Hook one leg over each ear.
Q: Why does Scots wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear the zipper miles away.
There's this inventor who was experimenting with making an apple that tastes like something else. So, he makes an apple that tastes like a Candy bar. He asks his brother to try it.
His brother goes, "whooah! This tastes exactly like a candy bar, but I don't think people will buy it, they'll just buy a candy bar instead.
So the next day he makes an apple that tastes like a steak. He gives it to his brother.
"This tastes exactly like a steak but I don't think people will go for it, they'll just buy a steak instead," his brother replied. So the next day he makes an apple that tastes like a women.
His brother tries it and says, "This is gross, it tastes like shit!"
The inventor says "Oh yeah, turn it around!"
This guy goes in a clock shop & pulls his WILLY out & puts it on the counter. The clerk say O my god, what are you doing? The man says, "This is a clock shop isn't it? Can you put a couple of hands & a face on this?
A depressed man walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. The bartender felt sorry for the man so he said "what's bothering you buddy?"
The man said "well, I caught my wife with my best friend."
The bartender said "damn, what did you do to her?"
He said "I kicked her out of the house."
The bartender said "what did you do to your best friend?"
The man said "I took him into the other room and I said BAD DOG, BAD DOG!!!
21 Books Stan Geisel Never Wrote...
- The Cat in the Blender
- Are You My Proctologist?
- Fox in Detox
- Who Shat in the Hat?
- Horton Feels a Ho
- The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
- How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
- Your Colon Can Moo -- Can You?
- Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
- One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
- Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
- Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
- The Bitch Set Me Up
- I've Fallen -- And I Can't Get Up!
- My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
- Aunts in My Pants
- Hop On Mom
- Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Chocolate Dick
My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got to
the University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'd
been at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believe
when, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was even
more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have a
clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time
we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my
stomach, my.... -- She stopped.
"Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just like
CHOCOLATE!"
Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I
realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and
trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This
had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD
she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track
we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under
the duvet.
"It does!", she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"
Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received
twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as
'incredible', 'amazing', `Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed by
mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse
myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor
rubbed off. It didn't.
I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which
I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and
gave me a salve.
Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads
of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me
first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn't
know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a
spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he got?", they
seemed to ask themselves.
But when the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole
new year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A
specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried
to have conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time
their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over
their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and
leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone
had started calling me Hob Nob.
When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me Willy
Wonka.
Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that
just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All
the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About
it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All through my
third year I stayed in. I saw no one.
I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.
Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well and
then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of
fresh air. Fantastic!
It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it would
have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out.
I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard
her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote
about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans,
white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to
emphasize a point.
"Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallus
only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it,
and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you."
She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly
filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her.
Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on,
I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it
all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old
Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year
after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like
an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as
they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses.
I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped
her like wind from a wood across a wheat field...
"No!" she said.
She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"
I stopped.
"Why not?", I asked.
"I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't.
Not..."
"I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you to
do it to me, ever."
"You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..."
I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if she
wanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and
rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them part slightly. She
resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --
I lifted my head up.
"Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"
DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN THINGS
THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE... BUT AREN'T
- I need to whip it out by 5:00!
- Mind if I use your laptop?
- Put it in my box before I leave.
- If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.
- I want it on my desk, NOW!
- HMMMMMM...... I think it's out of fluid.
- My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
- It's an entry-level position.
- When do you think you'll be getting off today?
AND NUMBER ONE.
- It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
#5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
#1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
The Contraceptive Jelly Incident
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. ‑ A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly ‑ because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway.
And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting!
"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?
"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any."
A spokesman for the unnamed mom‑and‑pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste.
"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "
But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.
"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.
"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom.
"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days ‑ especially when you're sexually aroused?
"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."
FOR YOU LOVERS...
My Very First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....
The Great Hunt
A fly is hovering about a foot above the water of a Canadian stream in
mid-summer, thinking to itself, "I might just drop down six inches or so
and see if I can find some food."
Right underneath it, a trout is swimming. The trout says to itself, "If that
fly drops just six inches, I'll leap up and grab it for dinner."
On a rock beside the stream, by a big tree, a bear sees what's going on and
says to itself, "If that fly drops just six inches, the trout is going to
jump up and get it. When he does, I'll just reach out and grab the trout
for supper."
Across the stream, a hunter is trying to draw a bead on the bear, who is
partially hidden behind the big tree. The hunter says to himself, "If that
fly drops just six inches, the trout is going to leap up to get it, the bear
is going to reach out and grab the trout, and I'll be able to shoot the
bear."
Behind the hunter, a little field mouse is eying a sandwich nearly ready to
fall out of the hunter's pocket. The mouse says to itself, "If that fly drops
just six inches, the trout is going to leap up, the bear is going to reach
out and grab it, the hunter will shoot, the sandwich will fall, and I'll run
over and get the cheese out of the sandwich."
Behind the mouse, a cat says to itself, "If that fly drops just six inches,
the trout is going to leap up after it, the bear is going to reach out and
grab the trout, the hunter is going to shoot the bear, the sandwich is
going to fall out of the hunter's pocket, the mouse is going to go get the
cheese out of the sandwich, and I'm going to get the mouse for supper."
Behind the cat, a dog is observing all of this and says to itself, "If that
fly drops just six inches, the trout is going to leap up after it, the bear
is going to reach out and grab the trout, the hunter is going to shoot the
bear, the sandwich is going to fall out of the hunter's pocket, the mouse is
going to go get the cheese out of the sandwich, the cat is going to grab the
mouse, and I'm going to pounce on the cat."
Well, the fly drops six inches; the trout leaps way up and grabs the fly; the
bear reaches out and snatches the trout; the hunter shoots the bear; the
sandwich drops; the mouse rushes over to get the cheese out of the sandwich;
the cat leaps on the mouse; the dog tries to pounce on the cat, who sees the
dog coming and leaps into the river with a great yowl.
The moral of this story is that if a fly drops six inches, a pussy is going
to get wet.
HOW TO BE A CULTIST
1) Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
2) Avoid needless embarassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your
god's name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. Flash
cards are often helpful.
3) Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4) Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in weight, you're just asking
for trouble.
5) Citronella candles may *not* be used in rituals. I cannot stress this
enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like
beacons to the Dark Lords.
6) Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife,
thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms,
and change.
7) *Never* be the cultist that goes to rough up the investigator. Ransacking
hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is
a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
8) When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader. Enraged
demons always go for the pompous.
9) Don't gloat.
10) If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.
11) If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the investigators to die
slowly. They don't.
12) If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die slowly,
don't have the audacity to look surprised when thy show up to foil you.
13) Investigators always show up at the last moment to foil you. Start a half-
hour early, they hate that.
14) Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample
concealment.
15) Never fuck with anything whose genetic structure you do not feel absolutely
comfortable about.
16) Never admit to having fucked anything whose genetic structure you didn't
feel absolutely comfortable about.
17) When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember
this simple safety tip.
18) When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
19) During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally
considered bad form.
20) Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the ritual.
The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been
witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
21) Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the
shit comes down it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the
gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering
monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good
hot bath.
22) Never play strip Tarot.
23) Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand
against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul. However, it
is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be
prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
24) For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible
or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving
a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it.
However, a mock-victim sculpted from Spam will be all right too.
Insults
If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on the warm side of Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know.
After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or show you that every "fact" you state a 6 year old could spend 90 seconds researching and disprove.
In short, if I traded you for shit, I would have come out far ahead. Otherwise, have a good day.
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of
the building if she had any questions or problems.
A gentlemen pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried "That was too much!"
He then asked "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.
He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man had an enormous penis. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"
A man retired from the phone company. He researched every type of business, then decided on the whorehouse business since the product lasts a long time and can be sold over and over. He decided to use ex telephone operators on one floor as they always knew what to say sweetly. On the second floor he used ex‑nurses which would make their Johns feel safer. On the top floor he would use ex‑schoolteachers to provide an answer to those wanting an intellectual conversation with their sex.
At the end of the first month he got his P/L statement and he found the first floor (the telephone operators) were turning a outstanding profit. The second floor (ex‑nurses) were turning a fine profit. The third floor (ex‑schoolteachers) were losing a lot of money.
Being a self made man he went over to learn the reason. Putting his ear at the door on the first floor he heard a huff and puff then a voice say "Your three minutes are up." Satisfied he went to the second floor and put his ear to the door. He heard a huff and puff and then a voice said. "Are we about done? We need the bed." Satisfied he went to the third floor (ex‑schoolteachers) and put his ear to the door. He heard a huff and puff then a voice said "We're going to do it again and again until you get it right!"
Little Johnny is attending his math class when teacher asks him a question: "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your rifle, how many would be left?"
"None," says Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."
"Well the answer is four," says teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now: If there were three women eating ice cream cones entering a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well" said teacher, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"Not quite," says little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking......."
One day these two girls were hired to clean this guy's house. While they were there the AC broke, so one of the girls said, "Hey, since no one is here and it’s so hot in here lets take off our clothes." The other girl agreed. So they took their clothes off.
Later that day they heard a knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was. "Blind man," the person answered.
The girl said, "Hey, since he's blind he can't see us." So she let him in.
As soon as the blindman stepped in he said, "Nice tits where do you want these blinds."
There were these two nude statues in a park, male and female, who always stared at each other. One day, a wizard came up to them and said, "this is your 200th anniversary so I am going to give you just 30 minutes of humanity so spend it well."The wizard waved his wand and the two statues went behind one of the big trees and the wizard heard giggles laughs and saw a little hanky panky
but nothing much.
After fifteen minutes they came out exhausted and the wizard asked why don't they do it again so as not to waste their 15 minutes. The male statue said to the female statue "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."
A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?".
The bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a
knothole in it. So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole.
After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?"
The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute.
Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."
"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.
"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.
The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"
A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman!
Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman.
She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes.
The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks ``did you kill them?''.
``Yes'', she replies. `
`What did you do with the bodies?''
``I threw them in the pool.''
...pause ...
``Pool? ... Say, is this 555‑8234?''
A guy walks into a bar with a frog. He sits next to this real attractive lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink. The lady says "thats a disgusting looking frog you got there."
The guys says, "Yeah well lemmie tell ya something... this here frog is THE BEST damn pussy eater you ever seen." The lady is outraged and says so then promptly gets up and moves across the bar.
A few hours pass.... The lady has had more then her share, and starts thinking about the frog... So she staggers back up to the guy and says, "OK prove it!". They run get a hotel room.. the lady gets nude and is lying on the bed with legs spread open wide.
The guy takes the frog and puts it in position, then demmands, "GO HOMER!".... the frog lays there....
He commands again... "GO HOMER" the frog still does nothing.... he picks up the frog and tosses into the corner and says,
"If I've shown ya once ... I've shown ya 1000 times .. .....now watch how its done!"
These two cannibals were eating a clown when one of them looks at the other and asks, "Does this taste kinda funny to you?"
A man walks into a bar just outside of Linlcoln Nebraska and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a joke about how stupid the Nebraska Football team is?
The bartender tells the man that he wouldn't mind hearing the joke but that he needs to point out a couple of people to him that are in the bar. The bartender then points to a HUGE man seated at one end of the bar and explains that this guy was an All‑ American offensive lineman for Nebraska last season. The bartender then points out another HUGE man seated at a table near the bar and explains that he was a Nebraska Linebacker a couple of years ago. Then the bartender tells the man that he himself was a Quarterback for Nebraska several years ago and that he had a baseball bat behind bar.
The bartender then asks the man if he still wanted to tell his joke and the man replied, "Heck no, I don't want to have to explain it 3 times!
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
Do you know why it took so long for the Olympic torch to get to Atlanta? It had to stop at a few churches along the way.
During a transatlantic airline flight, the airliner in question came upon some turbulence. The captain came on the cabin's PA system and told the passengers to please stay in their seats and fasten their seatbelts.
After the plane cleared the rough air the captain came back on the P.A. to let the passengers know the rough part of the ride was over. Then a click was heard the captain's voice was heard saying "Holy shit! that was the roughest flight I've been on since the war, what I need right now is a strong cup of coffee and a blowjob!"
A stewardess started to run to the cabin to let the captain know that the P.A. was still on.
On the way to the cabin a passenger tapped her on the shoulder and said "Don't forget the coffee."
Boy to Girl : Hey, do you have a mirror on your outside pocket?
Girl: No, why?
Boy: Because I can see myself in your pants!
THE WORD FOR THE DAY IS LEGS. FIND A GIRL AND SPREAD THE WORD.
Two men were sitting at a bar discussing how drunk they got the night before.
The first man said:"I was so drunk that I blew chunks all night."
The second man said:"Yeah, I was so drunk last night that I couldn't remember my wife's name."
The first man responded "You don't understand...my dog's name is CHUNKS!"
One sperm says to another sperm, "I'm really getting tired, how far is it to the uterus?" The second sperm says, "hell man we're not even past the tonsils yet."
Woman: Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
Doctor: What Have you been taking for it.
Woman: Pepper
There was this lonely guy in bar who began talking to me, he said, "seethat bikestand over there? I made it with my own hands but do they call me the Bikestand maker? Hell no and see that fence over there? Beautiful job do people call me the Fence Maker? Hell no but you Molest one goat........."
Two aliens landed on earth and they wanted to be taken to the leader of this planet. They have never seen a human before and went to the nearest gas station to find civilization.
The taller alien walked up to a gas pump and said, "Take me to your leader."
The gas pump said nothing. He asked again to be taken to gas pump's leader. Again, the pump said nothing. The taller alien pulled out his laser and asked again to be taken to the pump's leader or else.
At that time, the shorter alien said to the taller alien, "I wouldn't do that if I was you, that is a bad m*****f****r."
The taller alien didn't listen to the shorter alien and shot the gas pump. The two aliens were thrown about 2 miles form where they were.
The taller alien asked the shorter alien how he knew that this creature was a bad m*****f****r.
The shorter alien replied, "Any creature that can wrap its dick around it waist and stick it in its ear, is a bad m*****f****r."
A women has been in a coma for nearly a year without any sign of change. One day while washing her, the orderly noticed her heart rate on the monitor increased when he washed her breasts. Not thinking too much of this, the next day the heart monitor when berserk when her washed her pussy.
He immediately called the doctor who with great happiness called the husband immediately. The doctor told the husband that there was finally hope to revive his wife. What he had to do was have oral sex with his wife and when she was really excited the medical staff would be able to revive her.
The husband agreed and the staff waited outside watching a heart monitor while the husband went to work.
Suddenly the monitor went flatline and the staff rushed in screaming "what happened!"
"I'm not sure" said the husband "I think she choked."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the Nads. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia boss soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector.
The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter. The right hand man says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf collector signs, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the main man, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf collector signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park just East of the big fountain."
The interpreter's eyes light up and he says to the thug, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
Old Sandy McCullogh went to his favorite bar and started complaining to the bartender, “Did you hear about the new bar that just opened? Oh it’s a really great place for half a buck they’ll give you a beer, a sandwich, and they’ll take you in the back and get you lade! Why doesn’t this bar do anything like that?”
The bartender looked at Sandy and said, “For half a buck this bar will give you a beer, a sandwich, and they’ll take you in the back and get you lade? I’d like to see that. Where is this bar?”
Sandy looked a little puzzled and replied, “Well, I really don’t know but my sister said she went there yesterday.”
Proud Father's
Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to
the restroom. Three guys are left...
The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser
because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate
firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!"
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"Well my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
6 People on an Island...
There is this ship that goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement: each man will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies !!!! The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so bad, soooooo...on the sixth week...... they finally bury her.
A Name is a Name
Anita Dick
Anita Hanchob
A. Nus
A. Dyke
Beaver Cleaver
Ben Down
Betty Wont
Billy Clubb
Blue Mycock
Buster Cherry
Clyde Clitlick
Cole S. Law
Dewey, Cheetum and Howe
Dick Akin
Dick Gozinya
Dick N. Debuschere
Dick Head
Dick Hertz
Dick Holder
Dick Jackman
Dick Johnson
Dick Trickle
Dick N. Cider
Ding A. Ling
Donna Donelayher
ERIC COHEN
Father O'Plenty
Father Tucker
Freddy Fruitcake
G.Otta Woody
GAR GAR!
Harry Butz
Harry Knipple
Harry Pie
Harry C. Men
Harry T. Dick
Henry Titzhoff
Heywood Jablome
Hugh G. Reckshun
Hugh Mongus
Hugh Pecker
Hugh Titz
Juan Tabloyu
Juan Khunt
P. Freely
Ima Dyke
Ivan Bigun
Jack Cummins
Jacque E. Shorts
Jack Handy
Jack Mehoff
Jack Merde
Jim E. Head
Jimmy A. Nus
Joe King
John Wanker
Johnny B. Good
Justin Hale
Kenny Duet
Kenny Lingus
Long Dong Silver
Lucky K. Hunt
Master Bates
Mike Hunt
Mr. Completely
Tyson Wiener
Nowon U. Kno
Norm L. Stiff
Onya Backyoubitch
Ophelia Titz
P. Nis
Palmer Bush
Peter Dragunn
Peter Palmer
Peter Strong
Pha Kieu
Phil MacCrevice
Phil McGherkin
Richard Beater
Richard Dick
Richard Head
Richard Holder
Mack Dabitch
Selma Slut
Seymour Butts
Seymour Cox
Sid Deuce
Sly Meekok
Stu Piddslut
Tess Stickels
Tommy Turdus
Vi Brater
Virge Ina
Willy D. Lishus
Willy Makit
Willy Porker
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
From 13 to 18 years of age - She is like Africa --
"A Virgin and unexplored."
From 18 to 35 years of age - She is like Asia --
"Hot and Exotic."
From 35 to 45 years of age - She is like America --
"Truly explored and Free with her Resources."
From 45 to 55 years of age - She is like Europe --
"Exhausted but still with points of interest."
From 55 years and on - She is like Antartica --
"Everyone knows it's freezing cold down there."
The Canadian Genie
Three body shop owners, one from Newfoundland, one from Quebec and another from Alberta are out walking along the beach together one day after a trade show. They stumble across a lamp, the Newfie picks it up, rubs it and a Genie pops out.
The Genie says, "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total".
The Newfie says, "I am the best body shop owner in Newfoundland, my Dad's a body shop owner, his Dad was a body shop owner and my son will be one too. I want all the damaged cars to always come to our shops."
With a blink of the Genie's eye and a wave of his hand, FOOM, their shops were overflowing with wrecked cars.
The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye and a wave of his hand, POOF, there was a huge wall around Quebec.
The Albertan asks, "I'm very curious, Genie. Please tell me more about this wall around Quebec.
"The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female freshman raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen, then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red; she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class never to return.
As she was going out the door, the totally straight-faced professor answered her question: "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue."
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you, I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father says "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon." The son says " Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."
"Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she weren't good enough for her family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"
British Doings
The Queen and Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car.
"Give us the money" they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."
"Oh, blimey", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di.
"Give us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."
The armed robbers looked fed up when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car. We'll have the Range Rover at least", and with that the robbers drove off.
As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen. "What did you do to all the cash you had? You're always loaded."
"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have.
Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes.
"And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelry, my dear " the Queen says to Di.
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only
women have." Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Di and says "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have that Range Rover."
This girl and her father were walking down the street and saw two dogs going at it. the little girl asked her father what the dogs were doing. he said "making puppies". later that night she walked in on her father and her mom having sex. she asked what they were doing and he said, "making babies" the little girl then said,"flip her over! I want puppies!"
Guy walks into a sperm bank with a mask over his face and a gun in hand. He tells the woman behind the desk to pick up a sample and drink it down. So the woman picks up the sample and drinks it down. The man takes off his mask. It turns out to be the woman’s husband. He looks at her and says , "that wasn't so bad now was it?"
About Suicide...
I think people who try to commit suicide are dumb, but if you really have
to kill yourself, you should do something like stuffing all your
pockets and everything with candy and then jump off a really, really tall
building so when you hit the ground, you explode like a pinata and then
everybody gets some candy.
There was a couple that was having sexual problems so the wife decided to seek the advice of a sex therapist. The sex therapist suggested that the wife give her husband a viagra pill and gave her a prescription.
The next day, the woman returned to the therapist and said that it worked really well, but questioned what would happen if she gave her husband 2 pills. The therapist said she didn't know, but to let her know the results.
The next day, she returned and told the therapist that it was really wonderful...but questioned what would happen if she gave him 5 pills. The therapist said she didn't know, but to let her know the results.
The next day, the woman returned to the office, big bags under her eyes, and super tired. She said the results were just fantastic. She then asked the therapist what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle. The therapist shrugged her shoulders and told her that she had never heard of that happening before...but to be sure to let her know the results.
The therapist didn't see the woman the next day...in fact, she didn't see her for several days. Two weeks later, the therapist came out of her office and found the woman's young son sitting in the waiting room. She said, "Johnny, it's so nice to see you. How is your family--I haven't seen your mother for two weeks?"
John answered, "Well, my mother is dead...My sister is pregnant...I have a sore butt...and my dad is in the corner of the barn saying, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty'!"
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
What is the same about a condom and kodak film?
They both catch that special moment.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
Q How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A It's not hard
Q Why can't you circumcise lawyers?
A There's no end to those pricks.
Q How do you know if a girl is ticklish?
A Give her a test tickle
Q What did one doe say to the other doe as they walked out of the
woods?
A I'll never do that for two bucks again.
Q What has four legs and an arm?
A A happy pit-bull
Q What kind of meat does the pope eat?
A Nun
Q What do you call a truckload of dildos?
A Toys for twats
Q How do you circumcise a whale?
A Four skin divers.
Q Why do whales make such great lovers?
A Because they have an 8-foot-long tongue and a hole in the back of their head they can breathe out of!
Q What's got 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
A Half a dog.
Q What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A How do you breathe through something that small?
Q How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A One, if you slice him real thin.
Q What do you call a cow with three legs?
A Lean beef.
Q What do you call a cow with no legs?
A Ground beef.
Q What do you have if you have a green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other hand?
A Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
Q Why do women fake orgasms?
A Because they think men care.
Q What's black and white and red all over and can't turn around in a hallway?
A A nun with a javelin stuck through her head.
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single, are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're damned ugly."
Subject: Name that Penis
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink.' When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your penis?' The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink'. The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.
Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second
to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?'
The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.'
The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?'
The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!'
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. 'So, what do you call your penis?'
The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because quality is Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?'
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is Secret'. Now give me my beer.
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why
secret?'
The customer says 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'
Two blondes were re-modelling a house. One was busy nailing down siding. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into asked "why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained "If I pull a nail out of my pouch, and it's pointing toward me, I throw it away because it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."
The second blonde got upset and yelled "You idiot! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house."
Did I ever tell you about the Italian prostitute............she never let a Dago by
A proctologist is examining a patient when he asks his nurse for a light.
She hands him a beer.
"No" he says, "I mean a butt light"
A man is working in an ultra-ritzy office building. All of a sudden the 3 bran muffins he had for breakfast catches up to him. He has to take a MAJOR shit. Unfortunately, the men's bathroom is out of order, so her runs up to his boss.
"Listen, ma'am," he says. "I really need to use the bathroom, but the men's is out of order. Could you stand guard while I use the ladies' room?"
"Of course," she replies. "But make sure you don't press any of the buttons."
The man nods his agreement and scampers off into the ladies' room. He hops into one of the stalls, sits down, and immediately shits himself empty.
After the initial pleasure wears off, though, he becomes curious about the three buttons on the wall. His curiosity gets the best of him, and he presses the first one, labeled "SoW."
A gentle stream of water cleanses his backside. Wow, he thinks, that was incredible. He pushes the second button, labeled "PP."
A powder puff lighty smacks against his rump. The results of the other two buttons being so pleasurable, he eagerly presses the last one, labeled "TR."
After a flash of agonizing pain, he passes out.
He wakes up in a hospital room, with his boss looking down at him. "What happened?" he asks.
"You pressed the buttons, didn't you?" his boss asks him gently.
"Yes," he answers sheepishly. "But what happened?!"
"Well," she replies. "'TR' stood for "Tampon Removal.' Your penis is on your pillow, by the way."
After breaking up with his girlfriend, a man takes an aimless stroll along a deserted beach. Suddenly he sees a green bottle, about five inches high, sticking out of the sand. He picks it up, has a good look at it, and takes the cork out of the top. A plume of smoke pours from the uncorked bottle and then a genie appears with a bright flash.
"Thank you for freeing me from the bottle, it has been my prison for a thousand years.", says the genie, "I can repay you with only one wish".
The man takes a few minutes to think of what he should wish for. "I've always wanted to visit America", says the man. "But I suffer terrible sea-sickness and I'm terrified to fly, but I can drive. My wish is for a motorway from Liverpool to New York."
The genie considers his wish and says "Such a wish is extremely difficult even for a genie as powerful as I. You will have to think of another wish."
After a few more minutes the man says "I've never understood women. Just when I think a relationship is going very well I get dumped for no apparent reason. My wish is that I have the ability to fully understand how a woman's mind works."
Without hesitation the genie replies "So how many lanes do you want on this motorway?"
After the Operation..
When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.
So the doctor she asked. "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life.
"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
Arnold Palmer the Stud
An avid golfer had just finished his latest round and was sitting in the bar.
He noticed a young lady giving him the eye, so he bought her a drink. One
thing led to another and they ended up in a hotel.
They made love, and when they finished, he reached for the phone. She asked
"What are you doing?" He replied " I'm calling room service to order a couple
of drinks" She said " That's not what Arnold Palmer would do" He said "Oh,
no? What would Arnold Palmer do?' She said " Arnold would open up the window,
take a deep breath, and we would do it again"
So he did, and they made love a second time. When they finished he reached
for the phone. She asked " What are you doing? He replied " I'm calling room
service to order a couple of drinks" She said " That's not what Arnold Palmer
would do" He said " Oh, no? What would Arnold Palmer do?' She said " Arnold
would take a hot shower, get cleaned up, and we would do it again"
So into the shower he goes. He gets all dried off, jumps into bed, and they
make love again. They finish. And he reaches for the phone. She says "What
are your doing? He says " Calling Arnold Palmer to find out what par is for
this hole"
This is the story of Brewster the Rooster.
There was this farmer, and his hens had stopped producing eggs. Well, he talked to a buddy of his who offered to sell him a rooster that would help up his production. His price was $150.00, but came with a money- back guarantee. Now this farmer had already spent $200.00 on two previous roosters that didn't work out on account of
they couldn't satisfy his hens. Anyhow, he gambled and bought this third rooster, who's name (you guessed it) is Brewster.
Well, he got Brewster home an' threw him in the henhouse. There was all this cacklin' & squawkin', and the farmer thought, poor Brewster, he ain't a gonna make it.
He comes back to the henhouse 1/2 an hour later and everythings' quiet. He takes a peek in there, and all the hens are satisfied & fast asleep. Suddenly, he heard a terrible racket out in the barn, so he ran to it and ripped the doors open. To his surprise, there was Brewster with all the cows lined up, and he was trying his best to mate with them!
"God bless it!" the farmer said, "Brewster, you're going to kill yourself!" Brewster didn't pay him no mind, and kept right on at it.
Well, the farmer had some more work to do, so he left him there, and came back a couple of hours later. He opened up the barn doors, and durned if the cows weren't fast asleep! So he went to check on the horses, and they were tired out & fast asleep too!!!
Then he heard a ruckus from out behind the barn, and rushed to see what was the matter. Sure enough, it was Brewster, and he had all the pigs lined up, and he was still going strong!!! He cried "BREWSTER! You're Going To Kill Yourself!!!" And with that he tried to pull him off, but there weren't no budging him.
Well, it was about the time for Farmer John to turn in, so he did. The next morning, he came out into the backyard, tripping over his satisfied & sleeping dog. After checking on all the animals & finding them in the same condition, he started looking for Brewster. But Brewster was nowhere to be found. Finally heading out to the fields, he found him, as a result of the vultures circling over Brewster.
Brewster was lying on his back, ....both legs in the air, .....tongue dried & hanging out, ....one eye open & glassy, ...one wing over his chest, and the other splayed out on the ground.
Farmer John took a ragged breath and said "Brewster, I told you once, I told you a million times, You were going to kill yourself, and now look at you!!!!"
Brewster slowly opened up his other eye, brought the wing on his chest up to his beak as he tried to speak. Farmer John leaned closer so he could hear Brewster's last words....
Brewster opened up his beak, pointed up to the vultures, and said
" Shhhh. Go'way. They're about to land. "
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "The Act". Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None." replied Johnny,"'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." "Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks.
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it’s got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
The teacher was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period", Johnnie explained. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack and Mommy fainted."
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that
she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease... worse case I ever seen. That why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
* Derrick L. Richardson, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third‑degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Ken E. Richardson. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a revolver. (For the gun‑unschooled: There is much less mystery to the game if played with a semiautomatic, in which the one bullet automatically goes to the firing chamber.)
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
“One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T‑bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. And then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, 'I don't fucking think so!
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight
after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What
happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
(The following are legitimate quotations taken straight from the
lips of the man, Dave Curcio. They are not at all strange
because they are taken out of context for they were just as
strange in the conversations during which they were stated, but
truly represent his insanity in a way in which no other person's
words could.)
- I find it odd that none of you are interested in witchcraft.
- How many of you have ever smelled telephone poles?
- Have you ever looked deeply into a goat's eye?
- Danzig, one of my favorite singers.....
- This selling of the soul bit, a lot of people do it.
- Didn't you ever sign a contract in blood with your friend?
- Anybody ever had a monkey for a pet?
- That reminds me of a goat named Gretchen I knew in Vermont. That
goat would wait for me with that evil look in her eye.
- In the Philippines, people are still crucified, but they don't
crucify themselves. That second nail is a son-of-a-gun to get in.
- A lot of you, in about ten years, when you get out of prison,
will find it a turning point in your life.
- Flogging. It doesn't take much to start breaking your ribs and
flaying the skin off your back.
- Sometimes I wish I had a virus so I could throw up on selected
students.
- If you have a meeting after school that you don't want to go to
and you shoot yourself in the hallway, that meeting is history.
- I've told you about when I was working on mausoleums,
waterproofing them?
- Any of you ever killed a chipmunk with your bare hands?
- People always have a peaceful expression when their heads wash
ashore on the beach.
- When you threaten someone's life you want them to take you
seriously and not just slap you and laugh in your face...Ha Ha!
- When you stab someone, you really have to push it in, squiggle it
around, hit a vital organ.
- I was chased by a goose. It came at me hissing. My friend
accidentally shot it with an automatic out the bathroom window.
- You've all jumped off roofs with umbrellas....
- Like sitting on the roof of your car and driving with your feet,
I mean, there's no law against it.
- Imagine if Simkin said '15 lashes' and then you laughed in his
face after 15.
- I know a person who owns a big piece of quartz, and keeps it in
the living room, and calls it God.
- Everyone should take rocks home, give them names, and keep them
around the house.
- Cannibalism is cannibalism. I mean, it's no big deal.
The Republic of Texas Constitution
- Tax code allows deduction for one hostage takeover/standoff per
family, per year.
- Every Thursday: 2‑for‑1 drinks at Hooters.
- Nobuddy shuld be descrimnated aginst, less'n he's from New
York (or is otherwise Jewish or Muslim or somethin'), or is just
kinda dark or different in some way.
- Barbecued ribs are legal tender for all debts.
- Congress shall make no law restricting the size of hats or belt
buckles.
- Citizens to receive one vote per gun owned.
- Constitutional amendment requires 2/3 majority of both houses
of legislature... or Tom Landry's say‑so.
- The right to bare breasts, but only on cable. (Not in real life.)
- Vegetarians count as 3/5 of a person.
- Freedom of religion: you can worship the Cowboys or Willie
Nelson.
- Civil disputes that cannot be resolved in court shall be settled
by a chili cook‑off.
- Freedom of Delusion.
- No citizen will be charged extra for gravy on French fries.
- Cold beer cans can be used as "testicular temperature
regulators" when operating a motor vehicle.
- State bird: Raised middle finger.
How E-mail is Like a Penis
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't
have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.
Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.
Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
A woman was at the gynecologists office, when the Dr. was examining her he said, "My what a big hole you have there!"
She was stunned and said, "really"?
Later that day when she was at home she decided to take a look for herself, so she took off all of her clothes and place a mirror on the floor.
She was standing over the mirror when her husband walked in, he exclaimed "what are you doing"! Embarrassed she replied "Oh just exercising".
He said "well you better be careful and not fall in that big hole in the floor"!
The following are two of the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest:
1. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent‑up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!'
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
Amy Richardson‑‑ Stafford,Virginia
"2. It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'
My entire family ‑ aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."
Tim Cahill‑‑Poughkeepsie, New York
Book your own talk show!
(or, Mad‑libs meets Donahue)
Pick one from each column:
1 Overweight Incest victims Married to Alcoholics
2 Battered Couples Raped by Serial killers
3 Handicapped Prostitutes Who murdered Their fathers
4 Homosexual AIDS sufferers In love with Organ donors
5 Unwed Sex addicts Writing books about Madonna
6 Hyperactive Feminists Who hate Their lover
7 Tatooed Activists Stalking Micheal Jackson
8 Ugly Transients Abused by Children
Example: 3‑5‑1‑4 handicapped sex addicts married to organ donors
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick
WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR
ROOMMATE
Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day.
Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
Follow him/her around on weekends.
Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it was back.
Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
Get a hamster. Keep it in a cage, with a little exercise wheel. Whenever the hamster runs in the wheel, stand next to the cage and jog in place. Tell your roommate that the hamster is your "personal trainer." Someplace outside the room, let your roommate catch you eating a candy bar. Beg him/her not to tell the hamster about it.