No Dater
I need a no dater.
Harry, I need a no dater.
No can do babe. You’ve been blackballed.
What the hell are you talking about? It’s not like they have a union. They can’t do that.
Actually they do. They’re all SAG. Wannabe actors who never made it. And after the way you treated the last 3 no one wants to even get in a real relationship with you let alone fake it.
Fuck. Well what am I’m supposed to do now?
Grow up and handle your problems like an adult?
No, I pay you to be the adult. Figure it out.
Turns and sees a techie fixing her computer. He’s a young stereotypical geek.
She smiles and walks up to him.
Soooooooo, is there a … (looks at his name tag) Mrs. Stan?
Uhhh no. I fixed your computer. You didn’t have any anti-virus software and had picked up a bunch of malware. I downloaded Botblocker and got rid of all the bad stuff that was already there. You should be good now.
I don’t understand anything you just said. What are you doing for lunch?
They sit at her counter having a sandwich.
You know who I am right?
Yeah, you’re XXX XXXX. You’ve been in some coming of age chick flicks.
You’ve seen my movies?
No. Not really my thing. I’m sure you’re great though.
I’m the greatest. Butttt my next movie got delayed. See, I need a no dater or something to keep profile up.
I don’t understand anything you just said.
Ok, look, there are like a jillion other actresses that look just as cute and can strike a pose just as well as me. The only reason I get the big roles is I keep my public profile up there and everyone following my every move. No movie though means no interviews. And if I don’t have an interview then whoever is getting interviewed will get the publicity and before you know it I’ll be yesterdays news. Got it?
Yup.
So that’s why I need you to date me for the next few weeks?
What?!? (Minor spit take)
Ok, do you remember last year when I dated that country singer with that song that just annoyed the hell out of everybody but still kept getting played?
What was his name?
I don’t know. Anyway I was on all the major networks, not just cable, and paparazzi followed me for over a week. You can’t buy that kind of publicity. My next movie where I was cheerleader that gets turned into a zombie was huge. See, that’s how the machine works. That’s what pays the bills. People want to see me having an unpredictable life. They want to see me doing crazy things. And if they don’t, they’ll switch to some other nutbag.
So you want to date me so everyone asks why you’re dating a nerd?
Yup. Just for 2 or 3 weeks.
Will we have tooooo
No, trust me you’re not my type. But look, I’ll take you to some great parties. It will be the craziest week of your life.
All right I’ll do it, but on one condition. You have to come with me to do some of my stuff to.
You’re not some kind of weirdo are you?
Aren't we all? I’ve got some things I do in my little boring life and sometimes it would be good to have an extra person. Especially someone they don’t know.
Alright. So, tomorrow meet me for lunch at Spragoes.
For lunch? Ok I can do that.
And then we’ll head out.
You know I have a job? I can’t just take time off whenever I want. We might be through in 2 or 3 weeks but I’ll still have bills.
Trust me, when you tell them you’re going for a date with XXX XXX they’ll give you a short leave of absence. I’ll make up the paycheck difference and pay for all the fun. Deal?
(with a little reluctance) Deal
Now this can go in a bunch of ways, silly romcom, tech guy has a dark side (warlock, hitman, etc), or she learns maturity coming of age thing.