I was in the car and it came to me that there are so many unusual band names… which is how Who’s on First starts. Sooooo I took the classic bit (which you should hear first if you've never heard it) and twisted the context to give you the musical Who’s On First.
Abbott: Well I finally got my dream radio job.
Costello: Really, what was wrong wit the one you had?
Abbott: Well most stations now a days don’t let you program your own music.
Really I’m just some noise to separate the commercials and music. But now
I’m going to get to program the music and talk about it. It’s my dream I’ve
been working all week on my first playlist.
Costello: So can you tell me what you’re playing tonight.
Abbott: Oh sure, Who's on first.
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: I said Who's on first. Now where was I? Guess Who on second.
Costello: Are you the programmer?
Abbott: Yup.
Costello: You gonna be the DJ too?
Abbott: Yup.
Costello: And you don't know who you’re playing.
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Right.
Costello: I mean the band's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The band on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first group on.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guys playing...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
Abbott: That's the band's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Right.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Right. PAUSE
Costello: Look, are you going to play any music?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's playing first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off the residuals next month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the first band's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The band that gets...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: They do, every dollar of it. The computer sends it right to their account.
Costello: Who's account?
Abbott: Yes. PAUSE … Now where was I, Guess Who on second.
Costello: Ok, who’s on second?
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One band at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the bands around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the band on first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: OK.
Abbott: Alright. PAUSE
Costello: Why do you keep making me guess who is on first?
Abbott: No. Guess Who is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: They’re on third.
Costello: Now how did I get on the third band?
Abbott: You mentioned their name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third band’s name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: So I should just keep playing guess who?
Abbott: Their on second.
Costello: Yes.
Abbott: They’re on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again! PAUSE
Costello: Would you just stay on the third band and don't go off them.
Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's playing third?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third?
Costello: Ok, guess who on third?
Abbott: No. Guess Who on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: Yes.
Together: Third band! PAUSE
Costello: Look, you’ve got more than 3 bands on your list?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: What’s the 4th band?
Abbott: Boston.
Costello: Where?
Abbott: Huh?
Costello: Where in Boston are you gonna tell me?
Abbott: No no no, It’s Boston, then Europe, then Asia..
Costello: You just keep getting farther away.
Abbott: I can’t help that.
Costello: Look all I want is you to stop playing this guess who’s playing when game.
Abbott: No, Guess Who is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: Yes.
Together: Third band! PAUSE
Costello: The 7th band’s name?
Abbott: Ugly Kid Joe.
Costello: That kid might hear you. He’s so ugly well pal you too.
Abbott: Huh
Costello: I said you too.
Abbott: Ohh, that’s the 8th band.
Costello: Eeeewaaaa. This bit is like rats jumping ship. Anyone know a way off? Alright, All I want to know is who is the band playing 8th on your playlist.
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not playing 8th.
Costello: I'll break you're arm if you say who's on first!!!
Costello: This has got to be the worst playlist of all time. It’s like you’re just working on blind faith.
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said how did you pick this stupid list, blind faith?
Abbott: Ohhhhhh, that’s the 9th band.
Costello: (makes screaming sound)