SUBJ: Military Linguistics
In the Army, if you give the order to secure a building, a platoon will surround the building, conduct a sweep to ensure that there are no enemy soldiers inside, put up barbed wire around the building and establish an access control point.
In the Navy, if you give the order to secure a building, an able Seaman will go into the building, turn off the coffee pots and lights, and ensure the building is locked on his way out.
In the Air Force, if you give the order to secure a building, a Major will negotiate a lease with an option to buy.
SUBJ: Another Perspective on Military Intelligence
* In the Army, the officers send the men off to fight.
* In the Navy, the officers lead the men into battle.
* In the Air Force, the men send the officers off to fight.
The British Military writes OFRs (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....
* I would not breed from this officer.
* This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
* When she opens her mouth, it seems that it's only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
* He would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle.
* Technically sound, but socially impossible.
* This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope -- always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
* When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* This Officer should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better.
* In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ.
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
* Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
* Fell out of the family tree.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
* Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* He's so dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* One neuron short of a synapse.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
* Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
SUBJ: Battle of the Metaphors
By the well‑known comedian, David Brenner.
It's 1944, the Battle of the Bulge in Europe. An American squad has been cut off behind enemy lines. They're surrounded. As night falls, a new recruit finds the sergeant who's acting commander.
"Sarge," he says, "I don't know how it happened, but in the fighting today, I lost my rifle. What do I do?"
The sergeant favors him with a few comments not fit for a polite mailing list, then he looks around and finds an old broomstick.
"OK," he says, "Any German soldier who sticks his head up, you point this at him and go 'bangity‑bangity.'"
"That won't work!" replies the private, but the sergeant tells him to just do it.
The private says, "Yeah, but what if we get to hand‑to‑hand combat?"
The sergeant looks around and finds a butter knife, and ties it to the end of the broomstick. He says, "If the Germans come in close, you go 'stabity‑stabity' with this."
At sunrise the Germans attack in hordes. There's shouting and screaming and shooting and dying going on all around. In the middle of this chaos, the private stands up and starts going "bangity‑bangity." And it seems to be having some effect! So he goes "bangity‑bangity," "bangity‑bangity," "bangity‑bangity‑bangity."
Well, he's just murdering the Germans. He's mowing them down with that broomstick. But still they keep coming. He goes "stabity‑stabity" at the ones who get close, and they start bleeding and dying all around.
Pretty soon, he's the only American left alive. There are piles of dead bodies all around him. He shoots the last few Germans with his broomstick, and an unearthly quiet settles on the battlefield.
Then he notices this one lone German soldier off in the distance, coming toward him. The German isn't shooting at the American, just sort of shuffling along straight for him.
The American private lets him get within easy broomstick range, then he goes "bangity‑bangity." No effect.
"Bangity‑bangity."
Nothing.
The German's still not shooting, he's sort of mumbling to himself, still coming. When he gets close the American goes "stabity‑stabity," but that doesn't work either.
The German walks right up to the American, pushes him over, walks on top of him and keeps going. That little ol' German crushes the hell out of the American just by stepping on him.
And as he's lying there, the life draining from his body, he can hear the German heading away, mumbling "tankity‑tankity."
SUBJ: Additions to Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations
(From the "Nam Vet" Newsletter, 24 Oct 91; Submitted by Ken Flory)
Some additions from the Special Forces Collection:
- If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
- If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
- Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
- The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
- The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
- If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
- There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Murphy's Laws of Combat
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.
- Incoming fire has the right of way.
- Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
- There is always a way.
- The easy way is always mined.
- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
- When you're ready for them.
- When you're not ready for them.
- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
- The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
- A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.
- If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
- Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
- Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
- If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
- When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
- Friendly Fire Isn't.
SUBJ: Rules of the Rucksack
- No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
- No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
- No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
- No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.
Weatherwax's Postulate:
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
Least Credible Sentences:
- The check is in the mail.
- The trucks will be on the drop zone.
- Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
- I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
[Editor's Note: The civilian parachuting equivalent of #2 is "Of
*course* the spotter knows where the drop zone is...." </vs>]
Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.
Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:
- Refute the last established recommendation.
- Add yours.
- Pass the paper on.
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
Lackland's Laws:
- Never be first.
- Never be last.
- Never volunteer for anything.
Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):
You get the most of what you need the least.
Hane's Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
These are purportedly from actual military "squawk sheets." Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution 1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Solution 2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.