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Take this exam and join the adventuring horde!

 

Dragon Magazine DECEMBER 1987

   by Lawrence R. Raimonda

 

  Times are hard, and adventures promising wealth and fame are few and far

between. How can you make sure that you are right for the adventurer's

life?  How? It's easy! Here at the Greyhawk Institute for Adventurous

Neophyte Training, we have come up with the sure-fire solution: the

Superior Personality Under Development course. That's right! Personality is

the key to conquest! It's the real reason one fighter is chosen over the

other when adventuring groups are formed. Are you too sophisticated for

hack-n-slash? Do friends call you "stupid" as a compliment? Do rabid orcish

marauders think of you as being too aggressive?  No problem!

  At the Greyhawk Institute for Adventurous Neophyte Training, we'll put

you through an intense program of classroom instruction and on-the-job

training. Also, at no extra cost, you will receive our Superior Personality

Under Development study guide. Just take a few minutes and fill out the

following application. You can't afford to pass this opportunity by!

 

  1. You've just arrived in a new town. You immediately:
  2. sigh in relief.
  3. find the nearest tavern.
  4. strip down to your underwear.
  5. do all of the above, to start with.

 

  1. Wizards are:
  2. snappy dressers.
  3. valuable allies.
  4. awful darn smart.
  5. cute on the end of a spear.

 

  1. What's the best way to test for trapdoors?
  2. With eyes shut.
  3. Make the half-ogre go first.
  4. Jump up and down a lot.
  5. Burn the place to the ground.

 

  1. It's late at night, the moon is full, and you notice that your partner

is turning hairy. What do you do?

  1. Impersonate a greyhound.
  2. Whip out the scissors and wolves-bane.
  3. Check your pack for doggie chow.
  4. Join him.

 

  1. A portable hole:
  2. a day keeps the ogre away.
  3. comes in handy in the king's treasury.
  4. What?
  5. holds a lot of beer

 

  1. Given the choice, you'd rather have:
  2. Lint-free chain mail.
  3. 1,000,000 gold pieces.
  4. a chocolate-chip cookie.
  5. a sword and a major land war.

 

  1. Describe a hill giant.
  2. A large, smelly Muppet.
  3. Big, hairy, ugly, and strong.
  4. What you will inevitably run into once

     you’ve lost your good sword and armor.

  1. All of the above.

 

  1. You are in a cave when your torch goes out. You:
  2. scream.
  3. cannot see.
  4. hit your head.
  5. throw the torch away and continue on ahead.

 

  1. Your deity tells you to walk on hot coals. You promptly:
  2. practice shouting"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"
  3. get a new deity.
  4. invite your friends to a cook-out.
  5. attack him.

 

  1. You find out that the ship you are on is manned by vicious, savage

buccaneers. You:

  1. double-check the travel brochure.
  2. swim for shore.
  3. taunt them.
  4. join them.

 

  1. What makes your mouth water?
  2. Vichyssoise.
  3. A leg of mutton and a jug of mead.
  4. All the Kings gold.
  5. A dead brontosaurus.

 

  1. What is a bard?
  2. A sophisticated, wandering musician.
  3. My DM doesn't allow them.
  4. A piece of lumber.
  5. The hair on your face.

 

  1. What scares you the most?
  2. Gross, icky, crawly things.
  3. A tribe of bloodthirsty primitives on your doorstep.
  4. An umber hulk in leotards.
  5. Your party members.

 

  1. Which would you take as your share of the loot?
  2. Gems and jewelry.
  3. A treasure map.
  4. A wooden nickel.
  5. The loot.

 

 

  1. Someone in your party is a thief. It's probably:
  2. that mysterious, cloaked stranger.
  3. the dwarf with his hand in your pocket.
  4. your horse.
  5. all of the above.

 

  1. You are trapped by a cave-in. You immediately:
  2. spin around knowing tht the DM has looked

thru the monster manual again.

  1. try to dig your way out.
  2. choose the best position to be found in.
  3. kill the fool who knocked over the support beam.

 

  1. Your favorite choice for a pet would be:
  2. a gerbil.
  3. a war dog.
  4. a dung beetle.
  5. a mammoth.

 

  1. How can you detect for evil alignment among your henchmen?
  2. Use torture.
  3. Cast a spell.
  4. Flip a coin.
  5. Use extensive torture.

 

  1. What is the first thing you should say when you spot a bugbear?
  2. "So, how does my leg taste?"
  3. "Don't come any closer! I've got a sword! "
  4. "Nice ears"
  5. "Yo! Ugly! Let's party!"

 

  1. If there's anything you hate, it's:
  2. mismatched armor.
  3. being drawn and quartered.
  4. the letter "c."
  5. Just pick something.

 

  1. Witches:
  2. make great gingerbread.
  3. aren't allowed in my DM's campaign either.
  4. Where?
  5. don't wear underwear.

 

  1. There's nothing more exciting than:
  2. Deciphering all the clues in a campaign.
  3. the thrill of victory.
  4. Deciding on the left or the right path.
  5. hand-to-hand combat with a thousand cannibals.

 

  1. What heals all wounds?
  2. Thyme.
  3. Time.
  4. Tyme.
  5. A week in a harem.

 

  1. Select a title for yourself.
  2. Gerard the Thoughtful.
  3. Lars the Mighty.
  4. Fred.
  5. The Terror of Morovia.

 

  1. Keep an eye on your fellow traveler. He might be:
  2. a barbarian.
  3. a thief.
  4. a Democrat.
  5. Demogorgon.

 

  1. A princess is trapped in a dragon's cave. You should:
  2. ask someone to help her out.
  3. rescue the princess.
  4. rescue the dragon.
  5. rob them both.

 

  1. What's the most important thing about making camp?
  2. Keep the marshmallows in a clean, dry place.
  3. Keep the fire low and post guards.
  4. Steal while the others are the posted guards.
  5. Have the others do all the work.

 

  1. The best kind of partner is one with:
  2. a warm personality.
  3. a good sword-arm.
  4. The bag of holding.
  5. a keg of ale.

 

  1. If you had to choose one of four doors before you, which would it be?
  2. The door out.
  3. The treasure-room door.
  4. That one.
  5. It doesn’t matter which door I choose, it will

turn out to be the booby-trapped door.

 

  1. In matters of life and death, you should:
  2. choose life.
  3. avoid death.
  4. dress warmly.
  5. Loot and kill and pillage and burn.

 

  1. You find the thief who stole your horse, money bag, and provisions. You

then:

  1. count from 1 to 10 before speaking.
  2. demand your belongings back, or else.
  3. give him the rest of your things.
  4. turn him into lasagne.

 

  1. Before you'd ever abandon your friends, you'd rather:
  2. kiss a goat.
  3. slap a sunburned frost giant on the back.
  4. get permission first.
  5. get all of their money first.

 

  1. "Halt!" means:
  2. "Surrender! "
  3. "Stop! "
  4. "Run!! "
  5. "Attack!"

 

  1. If asked what your price is for a dirty adventuring job, what do you say?
  2. "Lunch at the Bulette Cafe."
  3. "The going rate."
  4. "I'll pay anything!"
  5. "How much have you got? Your family, then how much have they got? Mmm.

Got any sisters?"

 

  1. You find yourself alone and unarmed in a cave with 100 hungry

carnivorous apes. What is your next move?

  1. Hide.
  2. Hide.
  3. Hide.
  4. Fight.

 

  1. You must never forget:
  2. to clean up afterward.
  3. your spells.
  4. the . . . the, uh . . . uh . . .
  5. to check for treasure.

 

  1. The best way to handle a poisonous spider is:
  2. from afar.
  3. with a glove.
  4. is to put it in your companions backpack.
  5. with a hammer of thunderbolts.

 

  1. An ogre invites you to dinner. You should:
  2. accept.
  3. decline.
  4. KILLL HIM.
  5. show up wearing your best ogreslayer

 

  1. You find a dwarf chained in a cell. He says that he'll lead you to

lots of treasure if you release him.  You should:

  1. think about it.
  2. insist that he reveal the whereabouts of the treasure first.
  3. attack.
  4. release him.

 

  1. There is a disguised dragon in the room. It must be:
  2. the terrier in love with your leg.
  3. the cow breathing fire.
  4. immediately behind you.
  5. ready to die.

 

  1. Your castle has been overrun by hobgoblins. You've been fighting and

running from them all day, and have finally managed to hide from them.

Then, your henchman knocks over a vase. You then:

  1. Kill the henchman.
  2. grit your teeth and ready your weapon.
  3. fix the vase.
  4. throw the henchman out into the hall.

 

  1. You are trapped in a 10' x 10' room, and the walls are closing in.

What do you do?

  1. Yell for help.
  2. Use a dagger to jam a wall.
  3. Leave.
  4. Wait for the hangover to pass.

 

  1. What's the best way to catch a golem?
  2. Catch a golem?
  3. Dig a humongously deep pit.
  4. Make friends with a giant.
  5. Wrestle him down and hog-tie him.

 

  1. What's a good sign that you've had too much to drink?
  2. The room is spinning.
  3. A wench is leaving the room with your money and your clothes, and you

are smiling.

  1. You accept a mission to rescue the sacred flower from the thousand dragons of Hell

For FREE!

  1. Fight!

 

  1. What's a druid good for?
  2. Flower arrangments.
  3. Nature spells.
  4. Beats me.
  5. Calling forest creatures for target practice.

 

  1. If you were told that a treasure lay in a hole in the wall, would you

stick your hand inside?

  1. No.
  2. Maybe.
  3. Inside what?
  4. Yes.

 

  1. How strong are you?
  2. Not very.
  3. Above average.
  4. Not very; just had a bath.
  5. Damn strong, Incredibly strong, MASSIVELY STRONG.

 

  1. Do you think there should be rights for orcs?
  2. Yes.
  3. No.
  4. Just burial.
  5. Sure: rights, lefts, right crosses, left jabs, right uppercuts....

 

  1. Describe a daring deed.
  2. Inviting a goblin to the Kings table.
  3. Standing your ground in the face of overwhelming numbers.
  4. Retreating in the face of overwhelming numbers.
  5. Leaping off a burning battlement into a crocodile-infested moat in

front of an army of orcish archers.

 

  1. What is the best thing you can say about skeletons?
  2. They make great tap dancers.
  3. They don't have many hit points.
  4. Fight!
  5. Some of my best friends are skeletons.

 

*********

 

Evaluation

  If you answered 30 or more questions with the same letter, then it is

likely that you fall into a particular category of adventuring types. These are listed

below:

 

  Type A: You're perhaps a little too civilized for most adventuring groups, but

not beyond hope. You are certainly in need of personality development

before being

considered ready for any serious undertaking. Practice going without bathing for

short periods of time, grimacing in a mirror, and not fainting at the sight

of blood.

 

  Type B: You're probably referred to as dependable," "practical," "an OK

guy," etc.

There is not much wrong with you, and you should do well in the adventuring

life.

We recommend that you take our accelerated S.P.U.D. program.

 

  Type C: My, my. We are having a rough day, aren't we? This exam was probably

tiring, but take a few minutes to rest and relax. When you're feeling

better, take out all of your money and mail it to us, right away. That's right: every copper

piece.  Good, good. We're proud of you.

 

  Type D: Well, it appears that you have probably done more than your share of

adventuring, and there's not much more we can add to your training. In

fact, if you have some free time, we'd like you to join our teaching staff. Sure, others

may call you a bloodthirsty maniac, but hey, who cares? We'll give you a portable

hole full of beer and a major land war. Where can you beat that? You're darn right.

 

  Remember: Time is limited!  Join the ranks of the G.I.A.N.T. graduates,

and stand tall! Get out your crystal ball and call today for your first

class!  Sorcerers are standing by.

                                                                                         

                                                                                        Do something every day.