A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter GOD USA, they decided to send it to President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Why do legislators think they can reduce crime by passing more laws?
Q: Why don't lawyers sleep with their clients?
A: Because it would be highly unethical to bill their clients twice for the same service.
Most of us worry about getting AIDS from sex, but Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from his aides.
President Clinton was having a press conference at the White House. One of the reporters asked him, "Mr. President, Why are you wearing a pair of panties on your arm?"
"Well," said Clinton, "With all the hassle lately regarding Lewinsky, Jones, and now Willey, I have decided to put myself on the patch."
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise,
when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but
this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute
but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was
time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir
that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual
check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week
and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be
making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a
minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10
cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind
of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in
the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on
me!
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and
while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
So You Want A Day Off
So you want a day off. Well let's take a look at what you're asking for.
There are 365 days in a year available for work. There are 52 weeks in a year, in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available to work.
Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you then used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available for work.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks and that accounts for 23 days a year, leaving only 68 days available for work.
You spend an hour for lunch each day, which uses up another 46 days a year, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days off per year on sick leave, this leaves only 20 days left available for work.
Our company takes 5 holidays off per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days each year for vacation, which leaves only 1 day available to work; And I'll be damned if you're taking that day off!!!
The Management-
To: All Hospital Staff
From Administration/Groundskeeping
Date: January 29, 1997
Re: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
Coin‑operated phones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range‑of‑motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Families of ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non‑ambulatory patients for special discounts for their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at the rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non‑electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood‑related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x‑rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Revco's photolab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra
sets. Revco's will honor competitor's coupons for one‑hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.
In light of the extremely hot summer the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling program, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. The antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the HMO's formulary
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
The best things to do at a job interview at Kelly's if you don't want the job.
8.Fake all your references, make the phone numbers those of a pizza outlet.
12.Clip your nails, pick you teeth or do other personal hygiene.
13.When they ask if you have a criminal record say, "nothing they couldn't make stick."
15.Ask if you can use the phone, then call your boyfriend/girlfriend and talk about how you feel the interview is going.
21.Listen to a walkman during the interview. Perform air guitar or drum as you do the interview.
28.Ask if they ever press charges.
29.Everytime you refer to the interviewer, use the following words in this order: 'Champ', 'Chief', 'Swift', 'Buddy', 'Jerky', 'Dumbass', 'Freak', 'Moron', etc.
36.Ask if you can switch chairs with the interviewer.
37.Use as many sexual innuendos as possible in your answers. Do a lot of winking.
40.Between answers, talk beneath your breath. Mumble nasty, rude, violent sounding things. If they ask if anything is wrong, smile and say "no no no.." Then do it again.
CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for
more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling in mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker
for every two talented new hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Elaine Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Cleveland tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.
Title: "Another General Motors Tech Support Log"
HelpLine: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
HelpLine: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'.
Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HelpLine: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic
transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"
Secretary of Agriculture
Washington DC
Dear Mr. Secretary,
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when he got your check for not raising any.
If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get two thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs not raised which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year. Now, another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat ten thousand bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the four thousand hogs I am not
going to raise? I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year not to raise hogs or grain.
Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business, so please send me information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits and food stamps.
Patriotically Yours
I M Cheap
The FBI in Action
The following is a direct quotation from the Center for Strategic and International
Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; The author who introduces the
story swears it's true:
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under
investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of
medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in
charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order
a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI
because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have
them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to
deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the
pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors
locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
--Click--
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 07‑08‑1999
Genre: Long‑Winded, Rating: 2.3, Suitability: G
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re‑think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever‑changing, pre‑recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
- To make an appointment to see me
- To query a missing repayment
- To make a general complaint or inquiry
- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
- To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
- To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password access to my computer is required. Password will be
communicated at a later date to the contact.
- To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble with a guard at every door and the
vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to
pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated
contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever‑so‑slightly less prosperous, New Year.
These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Your humble client
These start off as politicians skirting the truth. Other quotes have been added toward the end, which have no relationship to the political ones.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal.
"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.
"I didn't accept it. I received it."
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
President Richard Nixon
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator.
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued ... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island.
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
Title: "TIME MANAGEMENT"
Dear Staff,
In an effort to maximize productivity in our department I will be implementing a tool used in many industries. You will be tracking your time working on certain activities and sending me a time sheet weekly showing me how your time has been spent.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a job code list based on some observations of employee activities. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let me know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you.
Your boss.
Code Number Explanation
‑‑‑‑‑ ‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in a Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to CoworkerWho is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes 5322 & 5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight‑Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Files
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long‑Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long‑Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding,etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code 6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (over 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professionals on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non‑recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8101 Surfing Vacation Sites on the Internet
8102 Surfing Porn Sites on the Internet
8103 Surfing Humor Sites on the Internet
8200 Reading e‑mail
8201 Distributing humorous e‑mails
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm
here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the
Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to
convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential,
some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had
bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being
Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door,
and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows
95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go
bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who
doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I
said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own
Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who
have PCs that run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there
are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on
about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our
records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish."
"Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get
them to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box,"
the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all
going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for
a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he
said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you
expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell
you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it
on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And
frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean,
it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But
you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"Pardon?"
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button
access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard
drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway,
we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The
Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been
had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania
again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's
embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the
product. It's embarassing to BILL."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of
those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one
of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a
pile of grey ash."
"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95
by accident."
"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man
said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me
no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you
handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does
Montserrat sound?"
"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of
Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the
market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do
then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"
"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT‑WIN AIRBAGS
DETROIT‑‑With third‑quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic
market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a ew
instant‑win airbag contest Monday.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high‑speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all
of the company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice‑president of
marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales
significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your
next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New
Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself,
'Oh, boy, this could be it‑‑I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's
Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick
LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an
oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I
knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood
and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp,
speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical
condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets,
but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets‑‑even
if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new
Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's
understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes,
even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new
GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who
wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed,
that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand
prize, a brand‑new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious
car accident in the first place‑‑approximately 1 in 720,000‑‑the actual
odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1
in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag
will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new
Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was
totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag
didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk
driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a
$100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."
If combat means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."
- Adjunct Professor Newt Gingrich, Reinhardt College, January 7, 1995,
"Renewing American Civilization."
The following is a letter making Internet e-mail rounds to Rep. Newt Gingrich from Fresno Bee reporter John Scalzi. It includes an informal poll Scalzi conducted on Newt's remarks about -- and astonishing misunderstanding of -- typical male behavior.
Dear Mr. Gingrich:
My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is in fact alive and well in the average American male.
While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white, college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to someone, somewhere, sometime.
Perhaps to you yourself, should the subject of instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it takes up the bulk of my column, to be published soon. Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever the case may be.
- Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
Yes: 0%
No: 100%
- Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
Yes: 4%
No: 96%
- Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?
Yes: 8%
No: 92%
- If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?
Yes: 20%
No: 80%
- If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following
would you choose?
- a) Zebra: 2%
- b) Rhino: 6%
- c) Meerkat: 12%
- d) Boar: 42%
- e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%
- Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
Yes: 38%
No: 62%
- Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set up giraffe ranches?
Yes: 92%
No: 8%
- When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the
urge to stick him with a spear?
Yes: 40%
No: 60%
- Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
Yes: 74%
No: 26%
- If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or simply his own mouth?
Tools: 48%
Mouth: 52%
- Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little piglet?
Hunt: 30%
Wallow: 70%
- Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
Yes: 22%
No: 78%
- Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
Yes: 54%
No: 46%
- If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
Yes: 58%
No: 42%
- Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
Yes: 18%
No: 82%
Well, *I* thought it was funny, anyway.
M E M O
To: All employees
From: The Management
Date: August 14, 1995
Subject: Updated Office Language
It has been brought to our attention that some of the language used in our organization is offensive to several of our fellow employees. We cannot let this situation continue. However, management realizes that it is important that all employees should be able to express views clearly without misunderstanding, so comparative phrases should be used instead. It is important that all should memorize the new phrase, so an exchange of ideas can continue in the workplace.
New Phrase Old Phrase
I'm not certain that's feasible. No fucking way.
Really? You gotta be shitting me.
Perhaps you should check with... Tell someone who gives a fuck.
Of course I'm concerned. Ask me if I give a shit.
I wasn't involved in that project. It's not my fucking problem.
I'm not sure I can implement this. Fuck it. It won't work.
I'll try to schedule that. Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
Are you sure there's a problem? Who the fuck cares?
How nice. Fuck you.
You don't say. Eat shit.
Excuse me? Eat shit and die.
Excuse me, sir? Eat shit and die motherfucker.
They won't be happy with this. What the fuck do they want with my life?
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. Fuck it. I'm on salary.
I don't think you understand Shove it up your ass.
I love a challenge. This job sucks.
You'd like me to take care of this? Who the fuck died and made you the boss?
Yes, I think we should discuss this. Another fucking meeting.
I don't foresee any problems. I really don't give a shit.
He needs some training. He's a fucking idiot.
You'd like my help? Kiss my ass.